This is it, my fresh start. I found myself in a spot where I felt I must restart yet again. But maybe that is completely normal for this type of journey. So I should stop worrying. There is no failing if I don’t give up right. And I refuse to give up. So here it is fresh start number …. I lost count at this point.
If you have experienced a great loss in your life, the roller coaster that turns into your life after is nothing new to you. Ups and Downs. Rushes of Highs and Dips of lows. Points where you are brimming full of Joy and times were reality hits you hard and fear takes over leaving you breathless and at the mercy of whatever your feeling right now and right then. You don’t know the path, you just jumped in knowing it might be great or horrible, maybe both. You did this hoping the end stop would leave you with a smile and a I would do that all over in a instant.
And I would.
Do everything over still, that I have done since the moment I came home without Everlee in my arms, up until now. This journey is not one that is considered right or wrong. It simply is one that becomes your story. I’m finding judgment comes with fully allowing people to see into your heart and soul. But let them judge. For they do not have to live with my reality or walk in my shoes. If they did walk a mile in my shoes they would see the strength I carry inside to be able to continue along this path. A path that doesn’t include my daughter, a perfect little being who I created and formed inside of me and who became a part of my heart and soul. Someone I’ll forever be bonded to.
I think back to the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was punished for sinning the first sin. I believe the agony of childbirth was the punishment for that. I have such a different view now though since giving birth to Everlee (my third daughter). I don’t see it as any type of punishment. I thank God everyday, for being chosen to carry that special little girl inside me for 8 months. For giving me her mom that opportunity to know her from the inside out. I felt her kick, hiccup, sleep, and be active. We had a schedule. She knew my heart beat, my voice, my touch. She felt my Love. How is that a punishment. I think It was the greatest gift to get to share that with her. Its all I got.
Just like I thought Everlee would come home with us, I’m learning that even your journey through grief after loss is not something that you can plan or know the outcome. Jeremy and I thought we would be welcoming a little rainbow child into our lives by now. But again that was a path I never saw coming. Infertility. Months of stress that eventually landed me back at square one. But here I am I got back up because my story isn’t over, its just simply another turn in the road. And I cant say everything is delayed because I do not know the plans that He has for me. All I know is I’m ready to say Yes to this journey again. Say Yes to letting God use me.
This picture was taken on St. John, on a friends recent vacation. St John is Jeremy’s and I’s happy place. I cant tell you how much love there is in our heart for that island amongst the turquoise waters of the Caribbean. I say that because we fell in love with the island on just one visit. We both simply felt like it was calling us home. We both came home with shirts with a picture of the island saying HOME on it. Our little Everlee also came from that vacation. A surprise souvenir really. Our Island Baby. You can see now how that island gained a huge part of our hearts.
When I was sent this picture a couple weeks ago it flooded my mind with so many things. A reminder of how Everlee is still a part of this world, forever carried by others. Her name is written right where it is suppose to be. On her island. Her beach. She was here, through me I got to share this beach with her. And now she has the best view in heaven looking down to see her name written on that same beach. To know her name was read and shared on the hearts of others by all those who walked by that day.
It reminded me too of a very Happy moment in our lives. I realized how long ago it was, two years since we were there. Its been two years ago that I can say we were in a truly happy state of mind. To be Truly Happy. I miss that. Looking back at photos of that vacation, those smiles and eyes didn’t hide a sad truth behind it, like our smiles do now. Everything was right in the world. Its been too long. And I can’t say I don’t want that part of me back. Because I do. I really do miss being truly happy.
This Picture, this simple reminder kind of dug me out. Out of a low I was having a hard time coming out of. My spirit and my fight always remained but I think there are times I feel unwilling to take control in a sense. When things seem to spiral more out of control it just makes me want to crawl in a safe little hole. A hole where I’m in control of my own surroundings. I realized I hopped off the ride. It was time to hop back on and accept the roller coaster nature of my life now. I might not know every turn or hill or joyful moment ahead. But I can see the ending platform now. I was reminded of that. I know I will have reached that when I can see that smile again, a smile that doesn’t have sadness lurking behind it. But a smile that carries Everlee shining memory within it. A smile that proudly tells of every turn, hill, descend and path this journey has lead me on. A journey that I conquered just by being on and being ok with the up and down nature of it. A story, a journey that will be just mine. For I am the only one that got to share that special time with Everlee, where both our hearts were beating in unity.
So this is a fresh start …… A start that has Everlee in it and will end with her there too. There is no failing when you get back up again.