I was going to title this how grief has changed me, but when I thought about it I realized it’s not grief alone that has changed me. Grief comes from missing someone, a longing. A product from your love for them. My love for Everlee. So more appropriately I thought, How Everlee has changed me. If I only knew where my life was headed the first time I heard her little beating heart.
I decided to check in with myself recently write a list of things I feel have been blessings or something I’m thankful for now after loosing Everlee. I find myself doing this, so I continue to see the growth. Grief can feel never ending because it really will be, but I find myself needing to find this type of light, so it will allow me a great reminder why I continue on. Why I remain compassionate to myself and my hearts needs and by not pressuring myself to heal faster than I can.
I believe there will always be something beautiful to emerge, some blessings and growth from any situation. You just need to find it. And hang onto it.
“You were made to grow, and growth only happens in the places that you stay fragile and Brave enough to Break. Then you will break Free.”
This has been my quote to remeber lately. Growth happens in fragile places. Places were I break. Only then will I be able to break free. This is why I continue to share my broken heart and spirit. Vulnerability brings braveness. And in braveness you will find freedom.
And all this growth, braveness and new free nature …. It All brings me back to Everlee. My littlest love. My sweet little girl. My angel in my dreams. My sunshine in the dark. It’s amazing how much love resides within me for her. It’s amazes me how such a little girl with such a short life has impacted hearts and changed those closest to her.
So how has Everlee changed me …..
– I feel as though my eyes have opened to greater beauty around me. As I gaze upon the ocean I focus on the line where the sea reaches the sky. So vast and great is our world. Beauty in the delicate nature of a flower how each petal forms into a little masterpiece. Beauty in the sky how I feel as though it’s a glimpse into the heavens as you watch the sun rise and set through out the day. Beauty is all around us, it is ready to be found in the eye of the beholder.
-Everlee has taught me how to express love in many differant ways. For she is not even here and I still feel I can find ways to love her from here to heaven. I find myself expressing my love now through writing, words that still need to be said and written even though she’s not here. I find love reaching through song. There are a lot of songs that allow me to feel connection to her. I send love through her garden and each flower or angel or special rock I add in there. Not only has she expanded me to find ways to send love to heaven, but my openness had allowed me to love those around me better, more expressly and more fully.
– Everlee has given me a heart for others pain. I feel like I can better serve and help now that I have felt such pain. I have the desire to reach out and comfort whenever possible. My heart is simply bigger now. Everlee has left such a hole but also has found a way to grow her mommas heart too.
-Pain and Grief has opened me up to the feelings of Joy. Joy is more recognizable now. Joy is always welcomed never stopped. I’m forever thankful for Joy like I’ve never been before. Even simple joy is treasured.
-The amount of carnage grief has left my body in my idea of healthy is forever differant. For healthy is a mind, body and soul combination. Each important and worthy of the care. Healthy goals will forever be different now for it might be a book for my mind or a walk with prayer for my soul. As well as the physical aspect as healthy. I’ll never take for granted the strength it takes to keep yourself healthy as a whole.
– Everlee has opened up my heart to a deeper connection with our Heavenly Father. For I wanted to know the One that keeps her safe. I have had many talks with loss moms and it never surprises me to see such deep faith brimming from them. He is close to the broken-hearted. I have never felt his presence nearer. Or understood how he speaks to you. How you can have a personal relationship with him. I’m thankful for the signs and gifts from heaven. I’m thankful for the reassurance and guidance.
– Everlee has brought her mom and Dad together in a way I would have never imagined. Our love for one another runs so deep. I fully understand how to love someone fully, you should need them and let them need you. I gladly grab his hand knowing together we can get through whatever. The silly things that used to plague our relationship are no more. We enjoy eachother and realize what we have now is a gift.
-Everlee has placed many other loss mommas on my heart. I have found amazing and instant connections with complete strangers and know that we only have our angels to thank for our paths crossing. To know our angels are together is great comfort. Sharing your grieving hearts. Knowing that this person will always know your pain. For their pain is yours. You grow and wage through the unknown together. These mommas will love your little angel as their own. Another great gift and blessing.
-My new found love for sunflowers my gift from Everlee the day she went to heaven. How pure and simple this one flower is and can brighten my day. It Reminds me of my daughters beauty and how She lives on in this world still. Also reminding me to stand tall and face the sun and light and enjoy the warmth it sends.
-Everlee has opened my heart to a lot but I know the journey from here on out will only be more fulfilling more meaningful and more joyful because she came in my life. And because I was chosen to be her momma. I have a new understanding, new faith, and new goals to guide me. A lot of love to give and a lot of beauty to see and find. My brokenness will set me free.