My Leap of Faith

A Leap of Faith by definition is ….. an act of believing in or attempting something whose existence or outcome cannot be proved.

A leap of Faith is not having it all figured out yet still moving forward. A leap of faith is suddenly knowing it’s time to start something new and TRUSTING in the magic of new beginnings.  A leap of faith is changing your thinking when you realize life will change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are in your comfort zone. A leap of Faith is making choices to reflect your HOPES, and not your fears. Sometimes what your most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

So I Leapt today ….. trusting the net to appear.

Before I continue, I want to touch on the symbolization of Rainbows to the loss community and explain the term Rainbow baby for anyone who is not familiar…..

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I have personally always loved the term since I have heard of it. Loosing Everlee has created a huge storm of heartbreak, emotions, and struggles. Is Everlee the storm? Of course not! Its never the way I saw it. The storm was the mess of pain that entered my life and completely threw me off in every aspect and way.. And does a rainbow baby mean there will be no further struggle of course not. This baby is simply a sign of Hope and Light. A new Joy. A new little love to ease your aching arms. Easing an aching heart and reminding you good things still happen.

Jeremy and I are still waiting for our rainbow baby. The wait has been long and emotional. Hard is an understatement. We never imagined to be struggling from infertility. Its drained both of us in so many ways. These struggles seem to heighten our grief for Everlee even more. We wanted her, but here we are opening our hearts to another little one, that never seems to come.

Romans 12:12

” Let your hope make you glad. Be Patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.”

I haven’t stopped praying, nor will I, for another baby. Lately I have asked God in my prayers to take away my desire for a child if it’s just not meant to be. He hasn’t. I only feel that desire growing.  Therefore I know I will just have trust in Him. I believe He knows my heart and my desires for another child. I believe He gave me these desires, my heart was a broken mess after we lost Everlee and I never thought I could open my heart to want another child that was never going to be Everlee. But my heart was healed in that way. And I do so very want another baby. I believe in signs from heaven and I have learned God speaks to you in many amazing ways. To tell you the truth Jeremy and I were given this name, a perfect name we know we are meant to use. I have honestly always felt my girls have picked out their names before they were born and maybe that’s why I was always felt comfortable naming them before I saw them. I can say each one of my girls confirmed once they were here they were exactly who those names were meant for.  I just know and trust we will be able to use this new perfect name that has been placed on our heart. The When part is what I don’t know and waiting is hard and that’s where my leap of faith come in …….

There has been many rainbow babies being welcomed into the world lately. I have found myself shopping for each one lately searching for something a little extra special for each little miracle. Yesterday I found my heart strings being tugged a bit more. I’m so incredibly happy to see each one of these special babies born healthy and safely into this world. It brings me so much Joy to see my friends holding them watching their hearts smiling from the outside. But at the same time my heart continues to hurt, only wishing I can experience this too one day.

 

As I shopped for a special little girl I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with pings of pain wishing I could double the shopping experience and buy two instead of just one. I want so bad to be right there with my friends on this new journey. I can’t help but to feel left behind. Still stuck in the stillness of grief. My emotions got the best of me that night, there was no hiding the pain I silently carried anymore.  I told Jeremy how nice it was to hold that little baby in my arms and how I found myself picking a gift with a little special meaning behind it that I so wanted to be purchasing too. I’m so ready, yet it just doesn’t seem to be the right time. I have been trying to “wait well” for a baby, but last night my heart hurt knowing it really is exactly what I feel I need now and am missing after loosing Everlee. I got robbed from buying cute outfits and cute fuzzy animals for her to have. I feel the need to be able to do these things again, things like shop for a baby, something that continues to plagues my mind with anxiety every time I enter a store now.

You can see now how the pain of infertility ties into the pain of loosing Everlee. They both seem to plague me the same.

The name that has found it’s way to Jeremy and I’s heart for a future child, it’s very much a girl name. Both him and I feel strongly we were made to raise girls. Time will tell if our heart is right about this, I just can’t deny how we both feel we were given this name for a reason.

So I went back to the store today and took a giant leap of faith. I bought that same outfit with the rainbow on the back and that cute little fuzzy unicorn that played music. The lady checking me out was extra bubbly and starting chatting with me she then asked me is this for your baby or someone else’s? I looked at her and with out hesitation said Yes this is for my baby.

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I saw this cute little quote once that I held onto.

Lesson’s from a Unicorn….. There’s magic inside you. Anything is possible. Dreams can come true. You don’t need wings to fly. It’s OK to be different. And always believe in yourself even if nobody else does.

Between the magic of unicorns and the promises of rainbows the two seem to go hand in hand. We decided to call the unicorn Faith and can’t wait to put Faith in a new nursery one day probably decorated with rainbows and unicorns. This was such a giant leap for me, and it wasn’t painful it felt amazing. This is how much faith I have that we will have our rainbow baby, it will be us someday, and I’m not giving up.

I can write this now and smile wondering why it took me so long to get here. I am the mom who painted Emma’s room pink before they told me she was a girl I just knew. And I was the crazy girl that bought her wedding dress six months into dating before Jeremy even proposed to me, because I knew that we were going to get married and I would need that dress! I have been known to do these things. And today I got back a little of myself that used to trust In my heart more.

There was a time I felt like I knew something was wrong with Everlee and ever since then I have hated being in touch with my intuition. It wasn’t a happy ending and I didn’t want to be right then.

But today I let go of those fears …..

Instead today I did something terrifying and amazing at the same time. I didn’t let my fears lead me and I let my choice reflect my hopes for the future Instead! I found something that I was so afraid of freeing. I felt freed today. I fully committed to my dreams and fully placed my trust in the Lords plans for my family. I leapt.

There is a rainbow waiting for me too.

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