I havent written in awhile and for that I’m sorry ….. I find when Grief catches up with me in a hard way, everyday life and tasks start to become exhausting and are all I can really handle. I never understood how hard it was just to live until Everlee took a piece of my heart to heaven with her. It seems there will forever be a push and pull effect between heaven and earth.
Mother’s Day ….. How that has become a confusing day for my heart. Last year was my first Mother’s Day without Everlee, I found myself in a whirlwind of hard emotions I didn’t seem to expect that day. I ran across a writing of mine I wrote after I waged through that day and the after effects a year ago …..
One year ago…
“Mother’s Day came and went and left me in a raging sea of grief I thought had past over me already. I’ve ended up in a raw state again. This picture says it all. The minute you feel as though you turn a corner enter smoother sailing and your taking ten steps back. Into the storm again.
They say having a baby unlocks a love in your heart you never knew was missing. Loosing a baby, your child, unlocks a pain your soul never imagined feeling. A eternal pain.
There is no road map for a journey of grief and I believe it is unending, never to cross the finish line. Not In this lifetime at least.
You can never plan for steps or what road blocks will be thrown at you. Mother’s Day clearly was a trigger for me. Again I’m at a point of despair. Trying to manage the stormy waters. My heart is pained. My arms ache for her. My mind isn’t shutting off.
Realizing I have past reminders everywhere of a happier time when Everlee was safe and growing and the dreams were endless of what’s to come. The present state of just trying to be ok with out her. Trying to figure out the future, the future you were supposed to have, but don’t and knowing this is permanent and planning for her absence. The missing piece of you. How do you complete this puzzle missing a piece.?
I don’t have the answer today. There will always be a missing piece. She was suppose to be yours to have to hold to care for. So Maybe there is no answer to that but just the realization to continue day by day. There will be happy days and there will be sad days. And to be kind to yourself In letting it be a happy day and feeling joy. Or letting it be a sad day. A day you can no longer push those feelings off. A day your out flow of tears feel as though a they are a welcome kindness and lifting some weight off your breaking heart.
I have suffered the un thinkable the day I had to continue without my child.
It’s natural to have times where the full weight of loosing Everlee will come crashing down on me. Its those days I need to be gentle on my soul and allow it whatever it needs.
Sometimes to heal a wound there will be times you need to uncover it clean it out really good before the proper healing will occur. It will hurt. It will be painful. It won’t be fun. But it is nesscessary. And there will always be a scar afterwards. A scar that is forever a part of that wound.
Be kind to your soul. Feed it and nourish it.
One step at a time.”
And Today ….
Today I find those words still resonating Truth for me today. This Mother’s Day my heart STILL pained for her, my arms STILL ached for her, my mind NEVER shut off as I thought of what it would be like to have Everlee here with us today. I was plagued with thoughts about our desire to have another and how we struggle with why it just won’t happen again and the incompletion of that struggle coming into our life after we lost Everlee.
I broke again, the waves of grief and waves of emotions of our struggles fully caught up with me. Again I felt as if I was a boiling teapot. I could feel myself piling on emotions and feelings but not letting them out or allowing myself to feel them. I boiled over. It was the Friday before Mother’s Day. Everything I was stuffing silently down inside came out. I sat in front of my husband and shook and cried, there were no words in that moment to even be said just my body doubling over in pain and tears and sobs that were to strong to choke in anymore.
I haven’t cried like that in quite sometime maybe since when we first came home from the hospital in those early months. My steadfast and gracious husband , for he has learned all to well now. For he didn’t try to speak or ask me what’s wrong for he knew this was not a time for words and he just held me. He held me till I was calm enough to make into bed. And even then he didn’t leave me. And when sleep didn’t seem to find me he went and grabbed Everlee’s bear for me to hold. I simply don’t know what I would do without that man.
I think we both knew from there that this Mother’s Day was going to be just as hard as last years. That a year’s time didn’t change anything. I’m slowly realizing and accepting no matter how much time has passed any holiday seems to highlight the hole in my heart and make Everlees absense that much more felt. Time simply doesn’t heal a broken heart. Instead im learning not to rely on time to heal me but make my heartache a part of me by the way I chose to live each day after.
– “God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing”. Joel 2:25 –
And I do believe God was able to help me restore that day ….. This Mother’s Day I was surrounded by my family and sweet surprises. There were lots of heartfelt wishes from friends that knew I was hurting still. I simply felt blessed with the gift of peace that day. I felt so much peace washing over my heart for that one day. It WAS a good day 🌻 We took Everlee with us the best way we knew how. Everlee’s bear spent the day with us giving my heart comfort that she was represented in a physical way.
The day started out with coffee and breakfast in bed with Evey. The sun was shining through the window you could hear the birds singing songs of celebration. Alice carried me in breakfast that her and Daddy made. Giggling and smiling the whole time.
I was showered with gifts that I didn’t expect, three flowers one from each one of my girls and a special ring from Evey, Jeremy was sure Everlee lead him to this special gift this year. The ring looked like it has angel wings wrapping around your finger. I actually had my eye on a similar one a few weeks ago. That’s how we know it really was Everlee. My family truly knows how to make me feel loved and always including Everlee in our gift giving. I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Alice made sure she signed her’s and Everlees name along with Emma’s and Jaydas.
We spent the day at the zoo and the zoos conservatory and japenease gardens. It’s one of my favorite places to visit on a sunny day. We brought Evey bear with us. What comfort this bear has given us all helping the hole of her physical absense. Evey bear got to chill with the gorillas, climb on a giraffe with Alice, laugh at the monkeys with us, take a picture on Toby the turtle. That way I get all my girls in one picture( minus Jayda who was not able to come). Evey bear got to see all the beautiful flowers that enjoy to look at and smell, watch the coy fish in the pond with Alice, enjoy the peace of the Japanese gardens and get a ride on Dad’s shoulders back to the car when our day was done.
I have realized how silly we might have looked, carrying this bear around all day and stopping to take pictures of her as if she were a person. But I’m at the point where I could care less, I think if they only knew who this bear represented. Who are family was missing that day and why we chose to bring that bear along, and how bad our hearts hurt. There would simply be no question as to why.
There was one lady I caught staring at Evey bear quite intensively as I waited for for my family to return with drinks at a table. She caught my eye and gave me an empathetic smile. I had to gather she must have known someone who shared a similar story and had a similar bear to ours.
It made my heart full of Joy to hear Everlees name spoken all day as we each took turns carrying Everlees bear around. Alice enjoyed giving her lots of hugs and kisses that day. We stopped to take a picture of Alice and Evey bear by the pond in the gardens. She held her close and was pointing out certain things to Evey bear gushing as strangers told her how cute she was. That moment my heart was still, for in that moment my mind could picture perfectly my two little girls sitting on the rock together, Alice holding Everlee just as a good big sister should. I knew right there this was my healing moment I needed and why I was so thankful I listened to my heart and brought her bear with us. That was the moment my soul needed. Healing comes in all ways and this Mother’s Day it came through A bear, Everlees bear, that represents that beautiful little girl that my heart misses so much.
I was thinking of so many this Mother’s Day, ones that miss their babies just like I miss Everlee. Ones that miss their own moms that aren’t here. Ones that wish they were a mother and are facing times of struggle with infertility. The ones who didn’t get recognized because their children are all in heaven. The ones who feel their hearts pulled as they have children here and in heaven. The ones who deserve to be recognized that sometimes don’t adoptative mothers, step mothers, guardians that give their all. All superheroes, all mothers.
I hope you all had a full day, felt loved and maganged your broken heart however you needed. I hope your day was gentle as was mine. I Leave you with this, recognize the hurt. It will be the greatest gift you can give the hurting. I was overwhelmed with how many took a moment out of their day to say some heart felt words to me or remember I was missing Everlee on that day. For anyone who has a child in heaven like I do, say their names out load on these important days. let thier mommas know their child is still carried here on earth through remembrance. Let them hear thier names.
Listen to your heart, listen to your soul. For your heart and soul normally knows what it needs to heal. The challenge is to silence your mind and fears. The challenge is in faith and trust that He will carry us through.
May we all heal our broken hearts ….. 🌻