Hidden Joy, Hidden Moments

 

I was never one that loved to be pregnant, I fought the unwelcome changes your body is subject too and always swelled up like a bloated whale no matter how much water I drank. I never felt like a cute pregnant lady. I always seemed to be sick and insanely uncomfortable. Sleeping was always an issue. My ankles would disappear at the about 28 weeks along and not be seen again till about a month after I gave birth. I always couldn’t wait till the end where my body could feel like mine again. And I always swore I would never do it again.

But that was before all this. Now I hear pregnant ladies all around me complaining of the same things I once did. And I understand, but I also know I’ve changed now. I often keep quiet and offer a small simple smile, but really the only thing I’m thinking is they are so lucky they don’t know Anything about the pain I do. They are so lucky it was easy to conceive and hope they know what a gift in itself is. And im happy they are blessed in this innocent way and yet for awhile I thought I wasn’t, but as time goes on I think I am too but In a much different way. It’s all about how you chose to find joy in any circumstance.

Because I’ve always been a little self conscious of my bloated whale like appearance , I’ve always found myself ducking out of pictures while I was pregnant, I did not want to remember that I really can’t find any with Emma or Alice. But the Lord must have opened my heart a bit while I was pregnant with Everlee, she was the only one of my three girls I stopped to take any amount of pictures throuh my pregnancy journey. And I’m so thankful now that I did Just even the little bit that I did. He must have known I would need these later.

 

 

12 weeks along and my first little bump picture. To 16 weeks and then 18 weeks when we found out Everlee was a girl that day! 💗

 

 

21 weeks along on Girls weekend up in Brainerd, and a stop at a zoo where of course I found a deer to pet.

 

 

Documenting The loss of my sight to my feet and Alice  and Daddy feeling Everlee kick. That was such a special moment.

 

 

Everlee was with us kicking with joy to celebrate some of our best friends big wedding day.

 

 

And some of the last pictures we got of that pregnant Everlee belly, about ten days later she was gone. And so was my pregnant belly. Couldn’t be more thankful for these pictures.

I find myself looking fondly at these pictures lately, as the seasons are changing right now and summer is coming to an end, I am remembering our last days before our world changed forever. We were still decorating for her and planning so much. Anxious for her arrival but excited to meet her and see her pretty eyes. As I flip through these pictures now I am ever so appreciative of that time, as I scroll through pictures of that year I realize she really was a part of so much. She was with us for Easter, mothers day, fathers day that year, fourth of July,  and all of her sisters birthdays that summer. She was here for our very first bonfire in our new house, big sister Jayda’s senior prom and graduation celebration. A friends 30th birthday celebration, girls weekend up North, a painting party, visits to the zoo, strawberry picking and all our summer fun. A family trip to the cabin. A state fair visit. And our good friends’ wedding day, she might as well been an honoree little bridesmaid that day.  And when I think of all that it makes my heart so happy she was a part of so much. I’m sure Everlee heard every ridiculous thing me and my friends talked about on girls weekend,  and loved hearing her sister Alice’s excited giggles as she felt Evey kick in mommas belly. And I know she had to have felt all the love me and her dad had for her. We did love her and want her so much.

She was here, for 34 weeks enjoying life with us and being a part of our family so completely. I know some may find that statement controversial but for me I take comfort in the memories I have with her, whether she was in my arms or in my belly.

“Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.’   ~ Brene Brown

Knowing what I do know,  and the continuing longing for what was, I understand what an amazing precious miracle each and every child is! And the opportunity to carry your child is such a big blessing too. One that only us mommas get to.

Being truthful, you would have found me complaining while I was pregnant with Everlee, for I am only human and pregnancies are not easy for me or my body it seems. But I can tell you now how much I miss that swollen pregnant belly, and the innocence that came with it and my lack of fear that I lived my life with back then. I even miss my swollen ankles. I would take those back in a heartbeat to get another week carrying Everlee around. One more moment to feel her kick me.

Everlee has taught me so much through her short little life about the gift of pregnancy, I’m not sure I would wish that innocent, fearless self back either now even as much as I miss it sometimes.  Loosing Everlee and every mothering moment I was suppose to experience with her has fully flipped my mindset around, and opened my heart to much greater Joys in life. Struggling with infertility for over a year now hasn’t been easy either. I  wonder every day if I ever experience another pregnancy again. But that too Itself has taught me a great deal.

I do trust there will be a next time. I really do. I believe God has answered my prayers and brought wisdom to our doctors so they will be able to treat us just right. And I do ask for all your prayers this month as our IUI will be right around Everlee’s birthday. And that significance makes me wonder will this be it, the right timing of it all. I can think of how perfect this simple verse right now.

 “Perhaps This is the moment for which you have been created for” Esther 4.14

That verse hits me on so many levels on what I am talking about with you today. My one and only moment with Everlee in my belly, my one and only moment with her after, and each and every moment now I Have found joy I think of this verse and how simple ordinary moments become your most extraordinary in life.

I can promise you all this, next time around I will celebrate each and every moment of that pregnancy, take a million and one pictures of my swollen bloated whale like belly, and you’ll see me smiling ear to ear despite how uncomfortable I am. I can’t imagine how surreal that moment will be. To be pregnant again.  I will take joy in the next journey because we are never promised another tomorrow or another moment. And I will take what I have been given right now and still rejoice finding Joy in what I have learned and taken from each hardship.

‘And so it was… that she, having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had Promised.’    Hebrews 8:15

Everlee, I carried you every second of your life. And I will love you every second of mine.

image

One thought on “Hidden Joy, Hidden Moments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s