Im late to #Captureyourgrief2017. And for that I have felt somewhat of a guilt as I watch my peers and the loss community pour out thier hearts and share thier precious angels this month. It’s such an important month for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Last year I woke up early allowing myself time each day to write and engage in the project. I found so much healing, and met some amazing angel mommas along the way. The month left me at peace last year, rejuvenated in a sense, and an amazing sense of belonging again in this world, unlike the majority of time I felt like an outcast since I lost Everlee.
I know I’m late but my heart was not in the right place on Sunday. Everlee’s birthday was so hard on me this year. There was so much going on I couldn’t balance and allow myself to feel the emotions I know I needed to allow myself to feel. Two years in so unfathomable. Two years I have lived separated from her, and it still hits you like a rock falling on your chest. Two years is a long time. Two years since I held her close. It just puzzled every part of me this year. My mind has been spinning ever since. I’m lacking a much need balance right now that I hope this month I will be able to find. Writing has always been my tool to help me sort out the emotions that way me down. So why I ever stop I don’t know. Sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
Here is my new start to this month, to new balance, and renewed healing.
Day 1 Sunrise Blessing
There was no sunrise to be seen in my area of the world this day. In fact something extremely terrifying started out my day on Sunday. I can’t elaborate right now on what happened but I can tell you I have never been so overtaken by worry, fear, I was sure that yet another bad thing was happening to us. For I knew that nobody is immune to bad things. I was overtaken by the thought That maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself to feel Joy and opened up my heart to this Joy that entered our life. My guard was down and this is what I recieved in return.
Fear is a powerful crippling thing that I found overtaking me that day. The only thing I knew to do is to find comfort in prayer. I spent the day being still and releasing my fears, praying for peace and strength and by the next morning I knew my fear had lifted and my trust and peace returned.
For me this was my sunrise blessing. As Monday felt like a new day i so needed. A sunrise to me is symbolizes the renewing, no matter what each day brings, a sunrise will always remind me to begin again.
The weekend of Everlee’s birthday we retreated to the north shore to surround ourselves with the peace and beauty we so needed this year. I was thankful I woke up in time to have one amazing sunrise to watch along the shore of Lake Superior. I grabbed Evey bear and my camera and headed to the beach that morning. Not another soul was out there that morning.
The sun peaked just over the horizon of the lake and as it rose it desapeared and appeared through the clouds glimmering on the lake it’s pink hue until it reached a high point in the sky and the warmth of its glow overtook the pink.
There is something about a sunset and a sunrise now. It feels like for a second the world is spinning at a pace I can keep up with. Ever since I lost Everlee I simply don’t feel as if I can keep up with the fast pace of normal society. But sunrises and sunsets I feel one with the world and timing again.
Its a time I always feel a glimpse into heaven, and I can feel Everlee in those moments. Its a special time for her and I and our worlds to meet. This sunset had such a persise Ray of light shimmering down. It seemed to shine right over Evey bear, making it seem as a special symbol of our connection in that moment.
I remember sitting on the log with Evey bear imagining Everlee sitting right next to me holding my hand. It almost felt like a real notion. I took so much from that sunrise that morning. I felt as if it symbolized how my journey is changing, how I would start to see the light peaking through the darkness. This sunrise almost felt as if it was a promise of Hope sent to light my path for this coming year.
We all need to carry that promise of a new day with us. And I need to come back to this sunrise on days like Sunday come around.
Day 2 Morning Ritual
Day 2 of this scary ordeal, lead me to a physicians office, bright and early on that Monday. The peace of my answered prayers with me from Sunday. As I saw the whole loss community’s posts about the morning ritual and a tinge of guilt for sitting in silence, I was reassured I was exactly where I needed to be that morning. The reassurance I needed was found at that clinic. And not only that but a very nice lady who noticed my tattoo on my arm, immediately brought up Everlee. Truth be told I think it’s been awhile since I heard someone else say her name other than me. It was exactly what I needed. We spent a good five minutes talking about her and nothing heartbreaking or sad. It was simply a heartwarming conversation that filled my heart with so much Joy.
A lot of people are so gracious to listen to whatever I say about Everlee these days but her name is something that is often left out or maybe whispered or hesitantly brought up. But this lady it rolled so smoothly off her tounge , unfazed that it should be any other way.
I know so many remeber Everlee, but I think her name is forgotten in the sense of being said out loud sometimes, and it’s a welcome gift it really is. I knew in this moment I needed to gather my emotions together so I could join in this project for this month. Speaking thier names is one thing we all need. This month brings light to thier names. Shouting they were here. They were loved. And they mattered.
Day 3 Meaningful Mantra
The mantra I leave for myself to follow this month is “Don’t let the worry of today take the peace out of tomorrow”
This month I long to find once again the delicate balance this journey after loss requires. I long to find healing in the emotions I pushed off from the lack of balance and dedicate this month to my muse in heaven. My shining light that guides me so much these days. The wisdom she has instilled in my heart. The reason I’m grateful for so much during this broken period in life.