A familiar place

I’m in a place I know all too well. It’s odd to say it feels familiar but it does. It wasn’t a welcome feeling, but none the less we are here again.

You see I had been keeping a secret. I was waiting for a certain day to share, a day that was significant to us in our journey with Everlee, A day that is still painful for me. I wanted to bring joy to that day again. Replace the pain that surrounded it for me. But now that day will come and go and remain a painful day still I’m afraid.

There will be no announcement of Joy, instead I come here desperate to share and sort out this new pain I feel.

I wanted to tell you our rainbow was finally on the way.  I wanted to tell you we finally overcame our infertility battle. I wanted to think Everlee sent us the very best birthday present, and tell you how special it is this baby was conceived on her birthday. Something I thought was meant to be and a sign everything would be ok.

But our baby couldn’t stay.

Instead I heard I’m sorry there isn’t a heartbeat.

This was a new phrase to hear, yet everything started to feel much to familiar. The screen got turned away just like it did when they found something wrong with Everlee. Nobody would look you in the eye. We got rushed to a quiet room. And the nurses kept saying I’m sorry. A little phrase that forever haunts us and continues to follow us it feels.

Nobody can tell my why again. Nobody can help me understand. I’m left confused, sad and angry. Maybe a bit in shock. I hold Jeremy’s hand until we can leave glad he is there to give me strength. They handed me phamplets on my loss hoping they will help me grieve they said. I threw them away. I don’t need to read anymore about what to expect. I’ve been grieving for two years, I know exactly what to expect.

We came home feeling beyond empty for the second time in our lives. All of it feels so wrong again. How are we here again.

Jeremy headed to the store right away. He seemed to already know his wife was going to be numb and lifeless again for awhile. He came home with super all planned, not wanting to have me worry about it. I watch him walk around knowing he feels helpless all over again. He hates seeing me in pain as I hate seeing him feeling helpless.

Yesterday literally felt like a repeat of the day we came home without Everlee. We were like robots as time stopped again and the memories of that dark time with Everlee came flooding back.

I feel like cursing my body as it feels it failed me once again. It was supposed to keep Everlee safe, and this baby too. Not to even mention the 14 months it continued to fail me to make a baby. Now we finally got our baby and my body decided to let it go. It doesn’t quite make sense.

I sat in tears and agnongy as my body let go of the baby that was once growing inside me. Why, God? I already loved this baby. This baby was so loved and so wanted. This baby was celebrated and already eager to meet by so many. This baby was supposed to complete our family and be ours to keep forever.

Jeremy and I decided to name our baby. We named this baby Joy. Because for the 8 weeks we had this baby there was a Joy that was returned to us. A Joy we hadn’t been able to feel in the last two years. A Joy that felt like Hope for lighter days.

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We don’t have much from Baby Joy. But I am happy I was able to see this baby once with its beautiful beating heart. It was such a joyful moment. I’m thankful for the utter Joy this baby gave our family for the little time we had with them.

Alice was the most excited for this baby. She made my heart so happy as she would wake me up every morning and give my belly a hug telling her baby good morning. Alice swore my belly got bigger everyday telling me that means baby was closer to being born.

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Alice picked out rainbow pants to wear the day I got my two pink lines. It was like her sister intuition went off and knew there was a rainbow to celebrate that day.

Telling Alice what happened maybe possibly was the hardest part. She was upset and yelled “why do all our babies have to go to heaven” “and why is it taking so long to have a baby here with us to stay” she broke my heart in two. Because what she said was so right and I don’t have any answers for her either.

I never thought I would be able to say I know what it’s like to loose a child, the pain of infertitly and now a miscarriage. I never thought I would have two angels in heaven. Maybe Everlee needed baby Joy more than we did. I know it’s comforting to know they are together.

Im beyond devastated and at such a loss as to how  I feel like again I’m right back to where I was after Everlee. You think after one loss you should be immune to anymore. But you aren’t. And I hate that I’m powerless to change it.

I know we can’t give up though. If anything Baby Joy showed us this battle is worth fighting, if not harder now.  One day our Joy will stay. I’m sure of it.

So I’m sorry I have no good news. But I needed to share Baby Joy with you all. Because regardless of how little time we had Joy deserves to be celebrated just as much as any of my children. And I needed to speak out because carrying the pain silently didn’t feel right.

So our season of healing begins again…

Our now two angels in heaven Everlee and Joy 🌻💜

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