A letter to my Baby Joy

To my Baby Joy,

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I remember sitting down about a week after we came home without your big sister Everlee to write a letter to her, of everything I wanted to say to her but never got a chance. It’s been a little over a week now since you left and I want to write this letter for you now. Because there are things I want to tell you too.

You werent with us long, not even long enough for us to find out if your a boy or girl. Alice seems to think your a girl. I guess I’ll find out when that day comes and I can be with Everlee and you in heaven. I’m never one for surprises but clearly God thought I needed one surprise to wait for.

We wanted to name you even though we never met, because you will always be special to us. Names are special just like you. We chose Joy because for the little time we had you, you gave us so much Joy. Joy that had been maybe missing since your sister left us. Joy that reminded us there is light in these dark days. Joy that reminded us to hold on to Hope. Joy that was fleeting but non the less there.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so excited. I started making phone calls at 7 am in the morning. You were celebrated that day. You made your Daddy so excited, and all my friends that wanted this so bad for us too. Your Grandma could hardly contain herself and I think went out and bought you something the very next day. Alice chose rainbow leggings to wear that day like she knew a little rainbow was on the way. It was a good day. Full of Hope and Joy. Everything we had been waiting to feel for so long.

From that day on, I had your nursery all planned out in my head. I thought about how it would feel to hold you after we lost your big sister. I thought about how lovely it would be to finally have a growing belly again. How I couldn’t wait to feel you kick. The joy was so surreal, we had waited so long for you it barely felt real. I wanted to shout about you from the rooftops but I didn’t because fear has plagued me since we lost your sister Everlee. I’m not proud of the fear I let dictate my life, but I can’t help but fear now. I know you probably felt some of that and for that I’m sorry, I just wanted to keep you so much. I soo wanted you here with us. We all did.

Your big sister Alice is sad, she so wanted someone to play with here. For the week she knew about you, she hugged you lots and would constantly check to see if you were growing. She was so eager for time to pass so you could come out and play.

Your daddy wanted you to stay. I know he told you that a couple times and talked to you as much as he could. It was one thing he felt bad he didn’t do enough with Everlee. So I’m glad you got to hear him lots before you left.

All I can think is maybe Everlee needed you more. She’s a special girl your big sister.  And I’m jealous you get to hug her all you want now. Everlee has taught us so much and I know she’ll teach you everything you need to know too.  I’m happy you two have each other now. You hold on tight and shower each other with love. Maybe send some down to us too.

I know I’ll never understand why you couldn’t stay. I know it will always hurt in a way.

I’ll always love you and wish my dreams for would have come true. I dreamt everything for you that I dreamt for Everlee. I was so ready to give you the world. To tell you all about your big sister in heaven. But now Everlee will have to tell you all about us.

Thankyou my darling, for all the Joy and hope you offered to us. For showing us we can’t give up yet. You have given us strength to carry on and given us hope one day we will have a rainbow to stay. Somehow I thought I would feel more defeated after you left but I really am ready to fight harder. I’m ready to see where this journey is leading us to.

Youll always be in my heart. You and Everlee. My sunshine and now my Joy.

We love you so much , and already miss you.

Until I can hold you again,

love your Mommy ❤️

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