Dear Everlee, my letter to you on Christmas morning

-Those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; Everlasting JOY will crown their heads. Gladness and Joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.- Isaiah 35:10

My Dearest Everlee โ„๏ธ

Christmas time is here again. All the lights are shining at night, they cut the darkness of the early evenings we have this time of year and add so much magic and delight to the season. Sparkling so beautifully. Alice loves to point out the best ones. The spirit of Joy is around. I see People giving and remembering to show kindness, spreading a little of heaven on the earth.

Your special Christmas tree is up. Still just as beautiful as the day it came home with us. I’ll never forget the miracle and the story behind your tree. Which is a little bit of heaven to have in our home to share.

There are lots of family gatherings. Lots of smiling faces to see. Lots of presents and cookies to share. Lots of Christmas concerts and festivities to attend. Each meant to enjoy, each meant to spread Joy in this time of year.

There is all this, but there is still not you. We are still missing you.

I sign your name always on our Christmas card, Evey bear travels with us and represents you in our pictures. Your presence in our home and our family sooo large. Your sister talks about you so. But none of this is you, here with us.

I fear with each passing Christmas it seems to get a little harder missing you. I found myself at a loss for words this year especially because missing you was like somebody had stabbed me a hundred times in the chest. Reliving the pain again. It felt as raw as it ever has in these past three christmas’s. There have been so many tears. It’s been hard to even say your name out loud. For when I did, I would crumple once again.

There have been so many gifts of kindness coming my way for you whether I seemed to be able to talk about you or not. A special gift from Germany for you and for Joy. Someone who took the time to write your name on a card to us. Multiple pictures sent to say you were on others hearts. Some new gifts of ornaments for your tree. And sunflowers that seemed to be present still at Christmas time. All was needed. And I’m so thankful you have touched so many other hearts around tge world and that you do not just live on through me or your Dad or your sisters but so many more.

As I unpacked the Christmas tree this year I pulled out three Joy ornaments that were added last year but as I held them in my hands I had a sense they were always maybe made to have for this year.

How I know you are taking good care of baby Joy this Christmas. Baby Joy was here for such a short time, but so wanted and so loved. I was crushed to loose another to heaven but tell myself maybe Baby Joy was more meant for you than us. Putting those ornaments up seemed to be confirmation of that thought. The Lord had already prepared me for baby Joy to be missed this Christmas a year ago, I can that see now. And it’s a little testament of His grace and love.

 

Celebrate Jesus’s birth with Joy this year my sweet Everlee. Teach Joy about Christmas and the why we celebrate. Tell Joy how Jesus came to us, how God sent his son to us all so we could all have everlasting life. This is the gift and scarafice I know can feel and understand in my soul so much more after loosing you. I praise the Lord and thank Him endlessly for giving us all this hope. For loving us endlessly as each parent loves their own children. I can deeply understand Gods love for us now.

As I hear all my favorite songs being sung this year, I always think how these carols and sounds of praise must sound in heaven. Even sweeter I imagine. And how one day all these painful Christmas’ without you will be replaced with an eternity of Christmas’s with you and the Angels, with baby Joy and everyone else who has gone before you. This thought always puts peace to my heart. There will come a day I can be with you again. That we all can. This was Gods gift to us.

This year someone else very dear to us is with you now too. Uncle Keith was very close to your daddy and taught him so many important things about life. Thank him for us for helping your Daddy be such a good dad through him. I can’t imagine how excited Keith was to meet you. And meet Joy. Keith loved your sisters I can see him getting great Joy about being with you this year for Christmas, and I can’t think of anyone better to hold you tight for us.

We were sad to loose Joy and Keith this year, and I miss you so and will ALWAYS wish you could be here with us. As I looked at Alice and Emma sitting next to me in church the other day I wondered what it would be like with you in this picture too. You would have been 2 and some months. How full our hearts would be, to experience Santa with you and not just Evey bear. Evey bear is always smiling for you but what I would give to see your own little sparkle in your eye. I can picture you obsessed with big sister Alice and trying to bug her as she colors so nicely. I can see you sitting on our lap at Emma and Alices Christmas concerts waving and pointing at your sisters. ย I can see so much Joy in this picture I imagine with you here. And as I looked around church on Christmas Eve it was full of families, families with new baby’s, big children returned home and grandparents along. To me they all looked so complete. Complete, something we don’t have. But I wonder how many other families hide their stories too, how many are missing someone like I do you. What other families are incomplete too and thinking the same thing I was as they gaze at all the happy families in church that day.

But at the same time, ย in my heart I know that if that was our picture I would have to scarafice other things you have given us by waiting for us in heaven. I’m not really sure I would be sitting in that church eager to soak up Gods word and hear the message He had for me on Christmas. So this is the way things are, and Ill find a way to be grateful at the same time of missing you. And for the passion you have given me in life, a for greater understanding of love, and for a heart that searches for heaven on earth, and a perfect understanding of why Jesus came to earth for us. I can and will be grateful for these things as I carry this sorrow for you.

I know you are doing wonderful in heaven. You have daddy’s Grandpa with you, Keith, mommys friend Tia, baby Joy and everyother Angel friend that their name hangs in your Christmas garden with you. I know meeting other angel moms and all the other babies you have put on my heart to love as I do you is no coincidence, for you are all together in Jesus’s arms. And have brought us all together.

Going into a new year I’m going to take the tiny ounce of Hope I have left after this hard year and bring it with me hoping it grows tremendously. I’m going to let God lead me and take my hopes and give him my faith and trust that He will grant me the desires on my heart. As I look back at these past three years He has remained Faithful in showing me Grace and carrying me in His love through the darkness that has surrounded me. I’m hoping for more light to shine on our family in this coming year. Mommy will be ok I promise. Sometimes I worry I upset you with my sadness you must feel from my heart. But I promise I will be ok baby girl and make you proud of who I choose to be.

We are bringing home a new puppy this year and it has given us something so Joyfyl to look forward too. We already named her too before she is even born. Jorgia will be her name and as I wrote the name in her collar for her I saw Jo in there. Jo is in Joy too. How you have continued to be apart of so many to come. Your dad wants to call Jorgia Jo Jo for short is why we spelt it that way. How meant to be it seems now that I connect the three names Everlee Jo, to JOy and now to Jorgia. This was all unintentional but seems perfect now. Shows me you are always near.

Everlee I want you to know you are sooo loved. So missed and never forgotten on your first Christmas in heaven, your third or twentieth.

I will always be your mom and you will always be my daughter. Not even the distance between heaven and Earth can change that.

Merry Christmas my special little Angel. Dance sing and rejoice in heaven. We are sending you all our love.

I love you baby girl – Love your mommy โค๏ธ

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