The Day that should have been for Joy 🌼

Today we could have been holding you in our arms. Today could have been your birthday. Today you were due to arrive to this world. Fully grown and healthy. But you couldn’t stay that long … and I’ll never know why. And I’ll always wish you could have.

You wouldn’t think you could love someone so much that you’ve never met or never got a chance to know. Never held as you should, and never seen thier face. But I’m telling you can. From the very first moment Joy was mine my love grew from there.

I have two babies in heaven. I thought loosing Everlee would have been enough, but we are unfortunately  never promised no more pain.  Everlee I got to hold and love and take pictures and soak a lifetime into a couple days with. And I’m forever grateful for even that. But Baby Joy we only got 8 weeks with. Just as we were celebrating this baby and dreaming of the future, the next thing we knew that baby was gone. I have no pictures, other than the one ultrasound we first got where we saw a beautiful beating heart and thought this baby was here to stay  ❤️image

With both Everlee and Joy I never planned to say goodbye, I never planned to let go. With Everlee there was more regarding her health but with baby Joy my own body cheated me. It felt so wrong. At that point we tried for so long and saught out treatments to be given this hope and this Joy in this baby. This baby was prayed for. This baby was wanted. But yet again goodbye came too soon.

I have to say I do know I am currently so so grateful and fortunate to be blessed with another baby growing inside and have had 23 weeks of renewed hope and Joy growing this baby boy, but yet it simply doesn’t diminish that that baby who we named Baby Joy was not wanted too. We had plans and hopes specially for them and looked forward to moments with that child. We had names picked. We loved that child the moment they were ours.

So today has been confusing to me. I feel the loss of Joy greatly. I feel the ache in my arms that should have been filled with that baby in this moment. Even though I’m continually happy to feel baby boy kicks inside me all day long. My heart is longing for the baby that was supposed to be my rainbow.  The second child I never imagined loosing. The second what ifs that plague my mind now.

And the only thing that gives me peace is to know that Everlee has a sibling up in heaven, while she waits for us. They have eachother. And I’m so happy they do.

My little Alice and I honored baby Joy today in the best way we could. We picked out some brightly colored flowers as a rainbow should be and brought them to the Angel of hope where Everlee has a brick and there’s one that says Joy on it there too. Like it was made especially for us we decided.

We spent time talking about why we remember baby Joy on this day and why it’s special. We spent time making Everlee’s brick beautiful and a special one for Joy.

Alice normally always asks me why Everlee and Joy had to go to heaven. And I normally say that’s something I don’t know. But today all she kept saying was when will heaven allow us to visit them and still come back. I wish it worked like that too. Cause to get one moment to hug them both when I needed it most would be such an amazing gift I agree.

But there will come a day where I get to be with both of my babies again. Hold Everlee like no time has passed at all and finally meet my baby Joy and put a face to the name and love I feel for this child.

Goodbyes hurt the most when the story had not finished ….

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I feel so blessed others have honored and remembered Baby Joy with me these past months since we said goodbye.

Tara Avery’s momma from @averysgarden drew this picture for me representing Joy and Everlee together. She draws pictures for angels and put them in coloring books. It’s such a precious gift to see our angels represented and remembered and all Together in these books.

She asked me to write a short story to go alongside it in the coloring book and I was so honored to share a bit about baby Joy.

“Baby Joy was so wanted.

Baby Joy was hoped for for so long. We prayed for 730 days for this little baby to come and be our Rainbow. And our prayers went unanswered for 730 days. There were many tears as we waited, our faith in hope was tested.

But then a Joyous day came. Our prayers were answered, our hope restored and the faith we kept finally showed us a great blessing. We found great Joy in this blessing of this baby. Where tears once kissed our cheeks, only smiles could be found now.

We celebrated the happy blessings this baby gave us with everyone. Everyone was so happy. These moments were so full of Joy.

I think Baby Joy’s big sister Everlee in heaven must have needed them more. Because our sweet baby only could stay for 63 days. Although this little baby we hoped to be our rainbow to keep was with us so shortly, we already loved them so and knew they needed a name. So Joy was the name we picked, because for 63 days we only shared Joy with this baby.

Shortly after Baby Joy left I was blessed with a dream of the sweetest kind. I was sure it was my sweet baby flying to heaven in the most colorful hot air balloon made out of flowers leaving a trail of sweetness as it floated higher to the heavens. The trail of flowers shone like a rainbow reaching into heaven. I could see Everlee waiting for my little Joy. And I knew everything was ok because all I could feel watching this vision was an overbundoundous amount of love and Joy.

So we remember our little baby Joy with colorful hot air balloons. Fly high my sweet angel.”

 

 

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