Moments worth Remembering.

– A moment might last all of a second, but a memory lasts a lifetime.

I’ve been holding onto something. Which is right now mimicking my grief surrounding Everlee at the moment. I have been feeling entirely so much lately, so much has happened, so much is still happening,  but for some reason I find I am holding onto all my thoughts, my hurts, my grief, my new realizations, even my new joys and gifts close to my heart. And with that my heart has guarded this “new” something of Everlee I received for awhile.

A picture is worth a thousand words, a memory frozen in time. I ponder this thought as I have been devoting more of my time lately into my love of photography. Something I have newly found a passion in after loosing Everlee. Something that excites my heart now.

Something I know I could always want more of is pictures of Everlee. But I only seem to have so many. Not enough I always find myself saying. I only have so many, I know, because I only took so many, and because we only had Everlee for three days versus the lifetime we should have. But as I reflect back to those three days I AM missing so many photos that match the memories in my mind. Missed opportunities. I was in a state of shock, and  I understand this now, so I have to forgive myself, even though I think of all this often. How I want more. More pictures to remember Everlee of. Just a couple more.

There’s simply limited photos of me holding my daughter, as I look back. It really kills me. I wonder why no one else around me in that time thought to take any. This was the the only time this mother would have to hold her daughter. We should have taken more. I have four of me and her together. And It’s not enough. But better than none I know.

There’s limited photos of Everlee with her older sisters too. There were more moments in there I remember but the photos are missing. And we never cordinated getting all three sisters there at the same time for a family photo. It seems so silly now, schedules clashing keeping so many apart from this one opportunity we had for a family photo that we never got with her, because it didn’t work with everyone’s schedule. How silly. How dumb. A never ending heartbreak I’ll carry. Another missed opportunity. Another moment lost.

There were more visitors than we had pictures of and more memories we made that didn’t get documented.

Memories in mind but missed when I find myself searching through her photos.

It bothers me I never took a video, it bothers me we didn’t get many pictures of her not wrapped up, …… I wonder did we keep her wrapped up in the pictures, trying to hide the scars from her surgery. As a way of Hiding from reality? I know now those scars are beautiful. They make you who you are. I don’t hide my scars just like we didn’t need to hide Everlee’s.

Those scars, her wounds told her story. They never should be hidden I think now. I want to remember all of her. Everything inch of her that I held those days. Every part of her that made her beautiful.

All of this is why I now have ever since taken an over abundance of pictures, wanting to collect moments going forward in still form. Finding the hidden emotion in each one. Each photograph always has a story behind it. I want to find it. I want to tell each one. I want to remember each moment I have lived. Afraid I would miss more in these present moments I share now, I snap away. Never wanting to be left wanting more as I do with Everlee.

And just when I thought not ever would I get one more photograph of Everlee. I DID receive one more. One more I would take in, study every detail, and cry for hours. Simply the best gift.

When Everlee is missing from my arms all I have is these photographs. To remind she was real. That this moment I long to repeat wasn’t just a dream and all the pain I feel from missing her comes from these moments. Moments I had her here with me and why I will miss her for the remainder of my day’s.

How I was ever able to say goodbye and to leave that hospital without her I’ll never know.

Three years later I swear I miss her more each day. I stare at her photos often. Always wonder so much things I could have done different, always wish for more …. So receiving a new photo of Everlee, one I haven’t seen, haven’t studied for hours ….  Its simply the greatest gift.

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A new moment I’ll have now to remember forever. ❤️

Your perfect my darling girl. Absolutely perfect. And my heart aches for you so.

 

A moment might last all of a second, but a memory lasts a lifetime. 

Take the photo, ALWAYS. Of these moments you witness of ones you love around you. Of yourself too, moments that are entirely yours. You never know when that moment is a last. You’ll never know when you want more but can’t. You’ll never know when you can gift someone one more just like I had been given …..

yes so much of life is living, but if you see me snapping away and you shake your head, just know I AM still living but capturing as many moments as I can along the way. Because I never want to be wishing I had taken more again.

Time blurs some of our clarity in these memories, but these photos always help us retell a story.

Everlee’s story will forever entangle with mine. I will always wish for more. But forever be thankful for what I have with her. Even if not much at all. What photos I was given even though far too few. But most importantly how Everlee taught me the magic in a single moment and the reason why you should capture it.

You never know how long it will last.

 

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