I miss you too mom

There are so many moments in missing her I do often wonder …. does she miss me too ? 

This past month has been hard on my heart Mother’s Day remains a trigger to me in so ways, I read grief described in this way and thought how perfect this description was, especially for someone unaware of how grief stays apart of your life …. I will reshare what I read. 

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Repost • @thejarofsalt @onefitwidow •

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“ imagine that you are this bookshelf and grief were this thick, heavy and permanent book sitting in it..

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Over time, that book doesn’t change in shape or size. It just stays there and becomes a part of you. As the days and years pass, your library grows around it as everything you add to the shelf becomes another chapter and dimension in your life.  The grief, even if you choose to gloss over it, is an indelible presence juxtaposed with the growing collection of things..

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The spine might fade in the sunlight, yellowing pages will fall out, and its cover will definitely gather dust, but our grief is a book whose pages we can flip through and go back to when we feel compelled to. Without changing in weight, significance or meaning, it shall always and simply be another facet of our existence and one of many stories in our constantly changing life. “

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I have these moments where my heart needs to take a walk with this grief page through everything I’ve gone through and everything I’m missing with her. Feel the weight of this loss. Be ok with aching for her. Simply be where I am and be ok with the uncomfortableness of it all.

I asked a trusted person recently “am I doing something wrong I still at times am in utter despairing pain still. Am I not healing or moving forward properly”.

 I was told absolutely not. Grief will always be with us ever changing, but always present. There will be times we need to sit with it, and times you do tuck it away in sorts because everyone needs a break eventually from the pain. 

Its ok to put your grief book back on the shelf for awhile too.

This back and forth pull with grief in my life now I realized does not mean I’m not healing right or not letting go of something that I need to. I’m not holding on to the pain, it is something that is simply apart of me now just as so many other faucets that make me myself. It’s becoming comfortable with the eb and flow of this, being ok with joy and sorrow co existing together, instead of second guessing my own heart, and what healing looks like for me. 

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Thomas started crawling recently, I was smiling ear to ear, just beaming as I watched him race across the floor proud as can be. I was so happy to be here in that moment, over joyed really, but I also noticed this stabbing pain inside. I missed that moment with her …… It will always be that way with these big moments now. Joy and sorrow can co exist. And it is healthy and ok. I’m growing more accepting of finding this pain in these moments. It’s always going to be there. When she only lived 20 mins, we have missed and will continue to miss so much.

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I’ve been told I need to let go of more to move forward …. but I think moving forward will look different to everyone. My grief has changed over the years, I can feel that. But is it crazy to say I think I love her more than the day I was blessed to hold her in my arms that one moment. My love has grown for her still, just like any of my children, … even with her absence from my arms, my love still grows.

My love still grows for her and grief continues to come and go. Sometimes impacting me positively and sometimes in a way I’m forced to sit with it. And I continue to miss my daughter more than I could ever sit here and describe. This is my life and even though it hurts sometimes I’m ok with it. Because Everlee is mine, and love with always anchor us.

My moving forward might not look like much to the outside world but just being accepting of the way grief impacts my life is a step in healing. It will always be there. And that’s ok.

I hold onto her. But not to remain in pain. Because she is my daughter. And if missing her hurts it’s ok. My love for her fills me with joy too.

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To all the grieving hearts out there like mine that the question of if they miss us too, lingers with you too  …. I certainly believe they long for us too 🌻

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Thankyou for this love note @stephhawkes

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