Dear Everlee, my letter to you on Christmas morning

-Those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; Everlasting JOY will crown their heads. Gladness and Joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.- Isaiah 35:10

My Dearest Everlee ❄️

Christmas time is here again. All the lights are shining at night, they cut the darkness of the early evenings we have this time of year and add so much magic and delight to the season. Sparkling so beautifully. Alice loves to point out the best ones. The spirit of Joy is around. I see People giving and remembering to show kindness, spreading a little of heaven on the earth.

Your special Christmas tree is up. Still just as beautiful as the day it came home with us. I’ll never forget the miracle and the story behind your tree. Which is a little bit of heaven to have in our home to share.

There are lots of family gatherings. Lots of smiling faces to see. Lots of presents and cookies to share. Lots of Christmas concerts and festivities to attend. Each meant to enjoy, each meant to spread Joy in this time of year.

There is all this, but there is still not you. We are still missing you.

I sign your name always on our Christmas card, Evey bear travels with us and represents you in our pictures. Your presence in our home and our family sooo large. Your sister talks about you so. But none of this is you, here with us.

I fear with each passing Christmas it seems to get a little harder missing you. I found myself at a loss for words this year especially because missing you was like somebody had stabbed me a hundred times in the chest. Reliving the pain again. It felt as raw as it ever has in these past three christmas’s. There have been so many tears. It’s been hard to even say your name out loud. For when I did, I would crumple once again.

There have been so many gifts of kindness coming my way for you whether I seemed to be able to talk about you or not. A special gift from Germany for you and for Joy. Someone who took the time to write your name on a card to us. Multiple pictures sent to say you were on others hearts. Some new gifts of ornaments for your tree. And sunflowers that seemed to be present still at Christmas time. All was needed. And I’m so thankful you have touched so many other hearts around tge world and that you do not just live on through me or your Dad or your sisters but so many more.

As I unpacked the Christmas tree this year I pulled out three Joy ornaments that were added last year but as I held them in my hands I had a sense they were always maybe made to have for this year.

How I know you are taking good care of baby Joy this Christmas. Baby Joy was here for such a short time, but so wanted and so loved. I was crushed to loose another to heaven but tell myself maybe Baby Joy was more meant for you than us. Putting those ornaments up seemed to be confirmation of that thought. The Lord had already prepared me for baby Joy to be missed this Christmas a year ago, I can that see now. And it’s a little testament of His grace and love.


Celebrate Jesus’s birth with Joy this year my sweet Everlee. Teach Joy about Christmas and the why we celebrate. Tell Joy how Jesus came to us, how God sent his son to us all so we could all have everlasting life. This is the gift and scarafice I know can feel and understand in my soul so much more after loosing you. I praise the Lord and thank Him endlessly for giving us all this hope. For loving us endlessly as each parent loves their own children. I can deeply understand Gods love for us now.

As I hear all my favorite songs being sung this year, I always think how these carols and sounds of praise must sound in heaven. Even sweeter I imagine. And how one day all these painful Christmas’ without you will be replaced with an eternity of Christmas’s with you and the Angels, with baby Joy and everyone else who has gone before you. This thought always puts peace to my heart. There will come a day I can be with you again. That we all can. This was Gods gift to us.

This year someone else very dear to us is with you now too. Uncle Keith was very close to your daddy and taught him so many important things about life. Thank him for us for helping your Daddy be such a good dad through him. I can’t imagine how excited Keith was to meet you. And meet Joy. Keith loved your sisters I can see him getting great Joy about being with you this year for Christmas, and I can’t think of anyone better to hold you tight for us.

We were sad to loose Joy and Keith this year, and I miss you so and will ALWAYS wish you could be here with us. As I looked at Alice and Emma sitting next to me in church the other day I wondered what it would be like with you in this picture too. You would have been 2 and some months. How full our hearts would be, to experience Santa with you and not just Evey bear. Evey bear is always smiling for you but what I would give to see your own little sparkle in your eye. I can picture you obsessed with big sister Alice and trying to bug her as she colors so nicely. I can see you sitting on our lap at Emma and Alices Christmas concerts waving and pointing at your sisters.  I can see so much Joy in this picture I imagine with you here. And as I looked around church on Christmas Eve it was full of families, families with new baby’s, big children returned home and grandparents along. To me they all looked so complete. Complete, something we don’t have. But I wonder how many other families hide their stories too, how many are missing someone like I do you. What other families are incomplete too and thinking the same thing I was as they gaze at all the happy families in church that day.

But at the same time,  in my heart I know that if that was our picture I would have to scarafice other things you have given us by waiting for us in heaven. I’m not really sure I would be sitting in that church eager to soak up Gods word and hear the message He had for me on Christmas. So this is the way things are, and Ill find a way to be grateful at the same time of missing you. And for the passion you have given me in life, a for greater understanding of love, and for a heart that searches for heaven on earth, and a perfect understanding of why Jesus came to earth for us. I can and will be grateful for these things as I carry this sorrow for you.

I know you are doing wonderful in heaven. You have daddy’s Grandpa with you, Keith, mommys friend Tia, baby Joy and everyother Angel friend that their name hangs in your Christmas garden with you. I know meeting other angel moms and all the other babies you have put on my heart to love as I do you is no coincidence, for you are all together in Jesus’s arms. And have brought us all together.

Going into a new year I’m going to take the tiny ounce of Hope I have left after this hard year and bring it with me hoping it grows tremendously. I’m going to let God lead me and take my hopes and give him my faith and trust that He will grant me the desires on my heart. As I look back at these past three years He has remained Faithful in showing me Grace and carrying me in His love through the darkness that has surrounded me. I’m hoping for more light to shine on our family in this coming year. Mommy will be ok I promise. Sometimes I worry I upset you with my sadness you must feel from my heart. But I promise I will be ok baby girl and make you proud of who I choose to be.

We are bringing home a new puppy this year and it has given us something so Joyfyl to look forward too. We already named her too before she is even born. Jorgia will be her name and as I wrote the name in her collar for her I saw Jo in there. Jo is in Joy too. How you have continued to be apart of so many to come. Your dad wants to call Jorgia Jo Jo for short is why we spelt it that way. How meant to be it seems now that I connect the three names Everlee Jo, to JOy and now to Jorgia. This was all unintentional but seems perfect now. Shows me you are always near.

Everlee I want you to know you are sooo loved. So missed and never forgotten on your first Christmas in heaven, your third or twentieth.

I will always be your mom and you will always be my daughter. Not even the distance between heaven and Earth can change that.

Merry Christmas my special little Angel. Dance sing and rejoice in heaven. We are sending you all our love.

I love you baby girl – Love your mommy ❤️


A letter to my Baby Joy

To my Baby Joy,


I remember sitting down about a week after we came home without your big sister Everlee to write a letter to her, of everything I wanted to say to her but never got a chance. It’s been a little over a week now since you left and I want to write this letter for you now. Because there are things I want to tell you too.

You werent with us long, not even long enough for us to find out if your a boy or girl. Alice seems to think your a girl. I guess I’ll find out when that day comes and I can be with Everlee and you in heaven. I’m never one for surprises but clearly God thought I needed one surprise to wait for.

We wanted to name you even though we never met, because you will always be special to us. Names are special just like you. We chose Joy because for the little time we had you, you gave us so much Joy. Joy that had been maybe missing since your sister left us. Joy that reminded us there is light in these dark days. Joy that reminded us to hold on to Hope. Joy that was fleeting but non the less there.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so excited. I started making phone calls at 7 am in the morning. You were celebrated that day. You made your Daddy so excited, and all my friends that wanted this so bad for us too. Your Grandma could hardly contain herself and I think went out and bought you something the very next day. Alice chose rainbow leggings to wear that day like she knew a little rainbow was on the way. It was a good day. Full of Hope and Joy. Everything we had been waiting to feel for so long.

From that day on, I had your nursery all planned out in my head. I thought about how it would feel to hold you after we lost your big sister. I thought about how lovely it would be to finally have a growing belly again. How I couldn’t wait to feel you kick. The joy was so surreal, we had waited so long for you it barely felt real. I wanted to shout about you from the rooftops but I didn’t because fear has plagued me since we lost your sister Everlee. I’m not proud of the fear I let dictate my life, but I can’t help but fear now. I know you probably felt some of that and for that I’m sorry, I just wanted to keep you so much. I soo wanted you here with us. We all did.

Your big sister Alice is sad, she so wanted someone to play with here. For the week she knew about you, she hugged you lots and would constantly check to see if you were growing. She was so eager for time to pass so you could come out and play.

Your daddy wanted you to stay. I know he told you that a couple times and talked to you as much as he could. It was one thing he felt bad he didn’t do enough with Everlee. So I’m glad you got to hear him lots before you left.

All I can think is maybe Everlee needed you more. She’s a special girl your big sister.  And I’m jealous you get to hug her all you want now. Everlee has taught us so much and I know she’ll teach you everything you need to know too.  I’m happy you two have each other now. You hold on tight and shower each other with love. Maybe send some down to us too.

I know I’ll never understand why you couldn’t stay. I know it will always hurt in a way.

I’ll always love you and wish my dreams for would have come true. I dreamt everything for you that I dreamt for Everlee. I was so ready to give you the world. To tell you all about your big sister in heaven. But now Everlee will have to tell you all about us.

Thankyou my darling, for all the Joy and hope you offered to us. For showing us we can’t give up yet. You have given us strength to carry on and given us hope one day we will have a rainbow to stay. Somehow I thought I would feel more defeated after you left but I really am ready to fight harder. I’m ready to see where this journey is leading us to.

Youll always be in my heart. You and Everlee. My sunshine and now my Joy.

We love you so much , and already miss you.

Until I can hold you again,

love your Mommy ❤️



A familiar place

I’m in a place I know all too well. It’s odd to say it feels familiar but it does. It wasn’t a welcome feeling, but none the less we are here again.

You see I had been keeping a secret. I was waiting for a certain day to share, a day that was significant to us in our journey with Everlee, A day that is still painful for me. I wanted to bring joy to that day again. Replace the pain that surrounded it for me. But now that day will come and go and remain a painful day still I’m afraid.

There will be no announcement of Joy, instead I come here desperate to share and sort out this new pain I feel.

I wanted to tell you our rainbow was finally on the way.  I wanted to tell you we finally overcame our infertility battle. I wanted to think Everlee sent us the very best birthday present, and tell you how special it is this baby was conceived on her birthday. Something I thought was meant to be and a sign everything would be ok.

But our baby couldn’t stay.

Instead I heard I’m sorry there isn’t a heartbeat.

This was a new phrase to hear, yet everything started to feel much to familiar. The screen got turned away just like it did when they found something wrong with Everlee. Nobody would look you in the eye. We got rushed to a quiet room. And the nurses kept saying I’m sorry. A little phrase that forever haunts us and continues to follow us it feels.

Nobody can tell my why again. Nobody can help me understand. I’m left confused, sad and angry. Maybe a bit in shock. I hold Jeremy’s hand until we can leave glad he is there to give me strength. They handed me phamplets on my loss hoping they will help me grieve they said. I threw them away. I don’t need to read anymore about what to expect. I’ve been grieving for two years, I know exactly what to expect.

We came home feeling beyond empty for the second time in our lives. All of it feels so wrong again. How are we here again.

Jeremy headed to the store right away. He seemed to already know his wife was going to be numb and lifeless again for awhile. He came home with super all planned, not wanting to have me worry about it. I watch him walk around knowing he feels helpless all over again. He hates seeing me in pain as I hate seeing him feeling helpless.

Yesterday literally felt like a repeat of the day we came home without Everlee. We were like robots as time stopped again and the memories of that dark time with Everlee came flooding back.

I feel like cursing my body as it feels it failed me once again. It was supposed to keep Everlee safe, and this baby too. Not to even mention the 14 months it continued to fail me to make a baby. Now we finally got our baby and my body decided to let it go. It doesn’t quite make sense.

I sat in tears and agnongy as my body let go of the baby that was once growing inside me. Why, God? I already loved this baby. This baby was so loved and so wanted. This baby was celebrated and already eager to meet by so many. This baby was supposed to complete our family and be ours to keep forever.

Jeremy and I decided to name our baby. We named this baby Joy. Because for the 8 weeks we had this baby there was a Joy that was returned to us. A Joy we hadn’t been able to feel in the last two years. A Joy that felt like Hope for lighter days.


We don’t have much from Baby Joy. But I am happy I was able to see this baby once with its beautiful beating heart. It was such a joyful moment. I’m thankful for the utter Joy this baby gave our family for the little time we had with them.

Alice was the most excited for this baby. She made my heart so happy as she would wake me up every morning and give my belly a hug telling her baby good morning. Alice swore my belly got bigger everyday telling me that means baby was closer to being born.


Alice picked out rainbow pants to wear the day I got my two pink lines. It was like her sister intuition went off and knew there was a rainbow to celebrate that day.

Telling Alice what happened maybe possibly was the hardest part. She was upset and yelled “why do all our babies have to go to heaven” “and why is it taking so long to have a baby here with us to stay” she broke my heart in two. Because what she said was so right and I don’t have any answers for her either.

I never thought I would be able to say I know what it’s like to loose a child, the pain of infertitly and now a miscarriage. I never thought I would have two angels in heaven. Maybe Everlee needed baby Joy more than we did. I know it’s comforting to know they are together.

Im beyond devastated and at such a loss as to how  I feel like again I’m right back to where I was after Everlee. You think after one loss you should be immune to anymore. But you aren’t. And I hate that I’m powerless to change it.

I know we can’t give up though. If anything Baby Joy showed us this battle is worth fighting, if not harder now.  One day our Joy will stay. I’m sure of it.

So I’m sorry I have no good news. But I needed to share Baby Joy with you all. Because regardless of how little time we had Joy deserves to be celebrated just as much as any of my children. And I needed to speak out because carrying the pain silently didn’t feel right.

So our season of healing begins again…

Our now two angels in heaven Everlee and Joy 🌻💜


Capture your Grief, Day 1,2,3

Im late to #Captureyourgrief2017. And for that I have felt somewhat of a guilt as I watch my peers and the loss community pour out thier hearts and share thier precious angels this month. It’s such an important month for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Last year I woke up early allowing myself time each day to write and engage in the project. I found so much healing, and met some amazing angel mommas along the way. The month left me at peace last year, rejuvenated in a sense, and an amazing sense of belonging again in this world, unlike the majority of time I felt like an outcast since I lost Everlee.

I know I’m late but my heart was not in the right place on Sunday. Everlee’s birthday was so hard on me this year. There was so much going on I couldn’t balance and allow myself to feel the emotions I know I needed to allow myself to feel. Two years in so unfathomable. Two years I have lived separated from her, and it still hits you like a rock falling on your chest. Two years is a long time. Two years since I held her close. It just puzzled every part of me this year. My mind has been spinning ever since. I’m lacking a much need balance right now that I hope this month I will be able to find. Writing has always been my tool to help me sort out the emotions that way me down. So why I ever stop I don’t know. Sometimes you are your own worst enemy.

Here is my new start to this month, to new balance, and renewed healing.

Day 1 Sunrise Blessing

There was no sunrise to be seen in my area of the world this day. In fact something extremely terrifying started out my day on Sunday. I can’t elaborate right now on what happened but I can tell you I have never been so overtaken by worry, fear, I was sure that yet another bad thing was happening to us. For I knew that nobody is immune to bad things. I was overtaken by the thought That maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself to feel Joy and opened up my heart to this Joy that entered our life. My guard was down and this is what I recieved in return.

Fear is a powerful crippling thing that I found overtaking me that day. The only thing I knew to do is to find comfort in prayer. I spent the day being still and releasing my fears, praying for peace and strength and by the next morning I knew my fear had lifted and my trust and peace returned.

For me this was my sunrise blessing. As Monday felt like a new day i so needed. A sunrise to me is symbolizes the renewing, no matter what each day brings, a sunrise will always remind me to begin again.

The weekend of Everlee’s birthday we retreated to the north shore to surround ourselves with the peace and beauty we so needed this year. I was thankful I woke up in time to have one amazing sunrise to watch along the shore of Lake Superior. I grabbed Evey bear and my camera and headed to the beach that morning. Not another soul was out there that morning.

The sun peaked just over the horizon of the lake and as it rose it desapeared and appeared through the clouds glimmering on the lake it’s pink hue until it reached a high point in the sky and the warmth of its glow overtook the pink.

There is something about a sunset and a sunrise now. It feels like for a second the world is spinning at a pace I can keep up with. Ever since I lost Everlee I simply don’t feel as if I can keep up with the fast pace of normal society. But sunrises and sunsets I feel one with the world and timing again.

Its a time I always feel a glimpse into heaven, and I can feel Everlee in those moments. Its a special time for her and I and our worlds to meet. This sunset had such a persise Ray of light shimmering down. It seemed to shine right over Evey bear, making it seem as a special symbol of our connection in that moment.

I remember sitting on the log with Evey bear imagining Everlee sitting right next to me holding my hand. It almost felt like a real notion. I took so much from that sunrise that morning. I felt as if it symbolized how my journey is changing, how I would start to see the light peaking through the darkness. This sunrise almost felt as if it was a promise of Hope sent to light my path for this coming year.

We all need to carry that promise of a new day with us. And I need to come back to this sunrise on days like Sunday come around.


Day 2 Morning Ritual

Day 2 of this scary ordeal, lead me to a physicians office, bright and early on that Monday. The peace of my answered prayers with me from Sunday. As I saw the whole loss community’s posts about the morning ritual and a tinge of guilt for sitting in silence, I was reassured I was exactly where I needed to be that morning. The reassurance I needed was found at that clinic. And not only that but a very nice lady who noticed my tattoo on my arm, immediately brought up Everlee. Truth be told I think it’s been awhile since I heard someone else say her name other than me. It was exactly what I needed. We spent a good five minutes talking about her and nothing heartbreaking or sad. It was simply a heartwarming conversation that filled my heart with so much Joy.

A lot of people are so gracious to listen to whatever I say about Everlee these days but her name is something that is often left out or maybe whispered or hesitantly brought up. But this lady it rolled so smoothly off her tounge , unfazed that it should be any other way.

I know so many remeber Everlee, but I think her name is forgotten in the sense of being said out loud sometimes, and it’s a welcome gift it really is. I knew in this moment I needed to gather my emotions together so I could join in this project for this month. Speaking thier names is one thing we all need. This month brings light to thier names. Shouting they were here. They were loved. And they mattered.

Day 3 Meaningful Mantra

The mantra I leave for myself to follow this month is “Don’t let the worry of today take the peace out of tomorrow”

This month I long to find once again the delicate balance this journey after loss requires. I long to find healing in the emotions I pushed off from the lack of balance and dedicate this month to my muse in heaven. My shining light that guides me so much these days. The wisdom she has instilled in my heart. The reason I’m grateful for so much during this broken period in life.


Hidden Joy, Hidden Moments


I was never one that loved to be pregnant, I fought the unwelcome changes your body is subject too and always swelled up like a bloated whale no matter how much water I drank. I never felt like a cute pregnant lady. I always seemed to be sick and insanely uncomfortable. Sleeping was always an issue. My ankles would disappear at the about 28 weeks along and not be seen again till about a month after I gave birth. I always couldn’t wait till the end where my body could feel like mine again. And I always swore I would never do it again.

But that was before all this. Now I hear pregnant ladies all around me complaining of the same things I once did. And I understand, but I also know I’ve changed now. I often keep quiet and offer a small simple smile, but really the only thing I’m thinking is they are so lucky they don’t know Anything about the pain I do. They are so lucky it was easy to conceive and hope they know what a gift in itself is. And im happy they are blessed in this innocent way and yet for awhile I thought I wasn’t, but as time goes on I think I am too but In a much different way. It’s all about how you chose to find joy in any circumstance.

Because I’ve always been a little self conscious of my bloated whale like appearance , I’ve always found myself ducking out of pictures while I was pregnant, I did not want to remember that I really can’t find any with Emma or Alice. But the Lord must have opened my heart a bit while I was pregnant with Everlee, she was the only one of my three girls I stopped to take any amount of pictures throuh my pregnancy journey. And I’m so thankful now that I did Just even the little bit that I did. He must have known I would need these later.



12 weeks along and my first little bump picture. To 16 weeks and then 18 weeks when we found out Everlee was a girl that day! 💗



21 weeks along on Girls weekend up in Brainerd, and a stop at a zoo where of course I found a deer to pet.



Documenting The loss of my sight to my feet and Alice  and Daddy feeling Everlee kick. That was such a special moment.



Everlee was with us kicking with joy to celebrate some of our best friends big wedding day.



And some of the last pictures we got of that pregnant Everlee belly, about ten days later she was gone. And so was my pregnant belly. Couldn’t be more thankful for these pictures.

I find myself looking fondly at these pictures lately, as the seasons are changing right now and summer is coming to an end, I am remembering our last days before our world changed forever. We were still decorating for her and planning so much. Anxious for her arrival but excited to meet her and see her pretty eyes. As I flip through these pictures now I am ever so appreciative of that time, as I scroll through pictures of that year I realize she really was a part of so much. She was with us for Easter, mothers day, fathers day that year, fourth of July,  and all of her sisters birthdays that summer. She was here for our very first bonfire in our new house, big sister Jayda’s senior prom and graduation celebration. A friends 30th birthday celebration, girls weekend up North, a painting party, visits to the zoo, strawberry picking and all our summer fun. A family trip to the cabin. A state fair visit. And our good friends’ wedding day, she might as well been an honoree little bridesmaid that day.  And when I think of all that it makes my heart so happy she was a part of so much. I’m sure Everlee heard every ridiculous thing me and my friends talked about on girls weekend,  and loved hearing her sister Alice’s excited giggles as she felt Evey kick in mommas belly. And I know she had to have felt all the love me and her dad had for her. We did love her and want her so much.

She was here, for 34 weeks enjoying life with us and being a part of our family so completely. I know some may find that statement controversial but for me I take comfort in the memories I have with her, whether she was in my arms or in my belly.

“Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.’   ~ Brene Brown

Knowing what I do know,  and the continuing longing for what was, I understand what an amazing precious miracle each and every child is! And the opportunity to carry your child is such a big blessing too. One that only us mommas get to.

Being truthful, you would have found me complaining while I was pregnant with Everlee, for I am only human and pregnancies are not easy for me or my body it seems. But I can tell you now how much I miss that swollen pregnant belly, and the innocence that came with it and my lack of fear that I lived my life with back then. I even miss my swollen ankles. I would take those back in a heartbeat to get another week carrying Everlee around. One more moment to feel her kick me.

Everlee has taught me so much through her short little life about the gift of pregnancy, I’m not sure I would wish that innocent, fearless self back either now even as much as I miss it sometimes.  Loosing Everlee and every mothering moment I was suppose to experience with her has fully flipped my mindset around, and opened my heart to much greater Joys in life. Struggling with infertility for over a year now hasn’t been easy either. I  wonder every day if I ever experience another pregnancy again. But that too Itself has taught me a great deal.

I do trust there will be a next time. I really do. I believe God has answered my prayers and brought wisdom to our doctors so they will be able to treat us just right. And I do ask for all your prayers this month as our IUI will be right around Everlee’s birthday. And that significance makes me wonder will this be it, the right timing of it all. I can think of how perfect this simple verse right now.

 “Perhaps This is the moment for which you have been created for” Esther 4.14

That verse hits me on so many levels on what I am talking about with you today. My one and only moment with Everlee in my belly, my one and only moment with her after, and each and every moment now I Have found joy I think of this verse and how simple ordinary moments become your most extraordinary in life.

I can promise you all this, next time around I will celebrate each and every moment of that pregnancy, take a million and one pictures of my swollen bloated whale like belly, and you’ll see me smiling ear to ear despite how uncomfortable I am. I can’t imagine how surreal that moment will be. To be pregnant again.  I will take joy in the next journey because we are never promised another tomorrow or another moment. And I will take what I have been given right now and still rejoice finding Joy in what I have learned and taken from each hardship.

‘And so it was… that she, having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had Promised.’    Hebrews 8:15

Everlee, I carried you every second of your life. And I will love you every second of mine.


Defining Moments

There are moments which will mark your life; moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts; BEFORE this and AFTER this.

Everlee will always be my BEFORE and AFTER. That moment I held her in my arms, feeling her beautiful stillness, that was the moment I knew nothing would ever be the same again. I would never be the same again. Time stood still for three days in that hospital room we shared with her. It was a time I’ll always cherish, never take for granted and always wish for more. I remember feeling at peace for that moment, and at a place of acceptance. It was a time of great sadness but when I look back I only can remember the peace that surrounded me, the love radiating throughout that room, and the flawless beauty of that peaceful angel in our presence.

However as beautiful as that sounds that peace didn’t seem to last. The moment I was being wheeled out of the hospital room and down the hallway to go home, without her, the gravity of AFTER finally hit. Any peace I found was gone. I watched people walking by me as we traveled through endless hallways, just going about their lives. I kept waiting for someone to ask me about the blanket I held that didn’t contain a  precious little baby to bring home. But nobody did. Time was going on for them. They were all blissfully unaware my world was crashing in as I was being taken farther away from my precious child. This was simply it. I would never see her or hold her again in this lifetime.  I was headed home to deal with the AFTER. I was headed home without my baby.

imageAll I got to bring home instead was my memories of my perfect little girl, her cute little pink hat, and the blanket we wrapped her 4 pound 11 oz body in, still stained with some plaster from the hand molds the nurses made for us.

Returning home, to normal life, the AFTER really has been the hardest part. Walking out of the peace that surrounded the only moment we shared with her.

My AFTER, has it been a whirlwind of emotions, additional losses and heartaches to add additional sting. So much Pain and suffering that you would think to yourself how is it possible my own heart is still beating when its this broken. Everything about you and everything around you starts to feel utterly broken in a sense. You think and hope this brokenness can be fixed but only time will be able to tell you. You look back at old photos from BEFORE and wonder if you’ll ever be able to smile so carefree again. That smile doesn’t look forced like it does today. Today it’s forced because you so desperately and genuinely want to be happy again, but no matter how big that smile is it just can’t seem to hide the sadness in your eyes. Your eyes will never be able to lie. You realize that all this sadness has forever changed you. You wonder who you are now and what the future holds. Because right now the aftermath looks bleak.

And two years down this road truthfully I still feel the brokenness, my future self is still so uncertain. There is still so much more healing to be had. Currently in our struggles with infertility I still feel time stands still. I’m still so very much in the aftermath of this. Infertility is a different heartbreak of its own, so for awhile I feel I pushed aside my feelings of grief and maybe prolonged this whole process. There is only one way to finding yourself through this. And it’s digging deep and through your grief. There is no running from your feelings. They will always catch up with you. Through it is allowing yourself to feel each and everything. One step at a time, dealing with each situation as it comes. I know We all wish there was this rule book to guide you through grief, a timeline, and a picture to show you who you are now. That will never be a thing though.  Each Journey is as unique as you are, Each journey everyone will find themselves and happiness again at all different moments.

There are times of despair in this journey that I find myself wandering in Hopelessness. Times where I resent all the  pain. Where my mind spins in relentless questions of why and feelings about the what ifs. Despair that I won’t make it through, that I’m not strong enough. Times of wondering if I’ll ever feel comfortable in my own skin again. Where I’ll be able to see more joy and light in my eyes than sadness. Times of utter defeat as you give in to emotional exhaustion. Times of retreat.

These times of hopelessness can last for hours, a day, weeks at a time, sometimes months or full seasons. You try not to let it over take you, but this is grief. This is also getting through it.

But as I shut my eyes and picture myself holding my little Everlee Jo, my heart Is once again surrounded by the peace that I found in that hospital room. I gaze upon my photos of that beautiful sleeping angel, and I’m reminded of so much more than just pain and sadness but rather more the endless love she has shown me. The endless love that has poured over me from that very same moment. The many gifts and signs the Lord has granted us to let us know she is safe in his arms. His Faithfulness to guide me through the dark. The beauty I have created out of my love for my littlest daughter. My heartwork for her. The beauty and Joy my eyes are now open to and that surrounds us on a daily basis, times of utter beauty and stillness when you know heaven is reaching Earth at the moment.


When I gaze upon this photo of her all that is radiating from Everlee to me is the peace and beauty that I speak of now.

imageA Sunflower was our first gift from heaven on the day Everlee gained her wings. Now a bright reminder and sign my angel is near and a gift to let us know she is ok.


Everlee’s garden, where angels dance, a place I created out of my love for her. My heArtwork. A place I’ve found purpose and healing. A place to find stillness in this chaos of my broken heart.

imageThe beauty I’m thankful I can fully recognize and see. Moments I call when heaven is reaching to Earth, and Everlees home and mine meet. A glimpse into the glory of heaven my daughter’s forever home. I can find her in these moments.

So while I might be wandering through bouts of hopelessness and relenting pain still. There are moments of great clarity of who I am becoming from this defining moment. In my AFTER. Enough to help me not give up and chase after my aspirations and dreams of how I would want this loss of my child and myself to change me. Enough to make me continue to find hope through our season of infertility, knowing God can work wonders through brokenness. I understand this very much and believe someday I will understand just why I was chosen to walk through these struggles.

I believe very much that I was blessed to be given Everlee. Even for a moment. She has taught me a great bit and opened my heart to so much. I may not like the winding path of grief, and find myself fighting with the hardships this journey entails. I would never wish this on anyone but I have come to accept this as my path in life. My burden to carry. For the light I find along the way seems to outweigh the darkness looming over me at times. And even though I long for that misplaced smile of my BEFORE I know when the day I find a new true smile, I really won’t ever miss that one again. For the new smile will shine the blessing of Everlee through.


“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ a loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” 

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The day time stood still

I’ve taken a step back lately. A step back mentally for my weary heart and tired spirit to try to again regain some much needed strength. My grief feels different lately, almost harder to manage in a way. I’m at a loss for answers right now and time keeps slipping away from me. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t feel as if time has healed me. Time seems ever passing. Oblivious to my feelings about it. Time simply doesn’t always feel like my friend but rather an uncontrollable enemy.

  • “Time by definition is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.[1][2][3] Time is a component quantity of various measurements used to sequence events, to compare the duration of events or the intervals between them, and to quantify rates of change of quantities in material reality or in the conscious experience.”

No matter how much time continues to pass on this journey, My mind will always return to the day time stood still, the day Everlee was born. The day she lost her fight, the day I held her for the first time, never to hear her crys, never to look into her eyes.image

I wondered how time was to still go on when in that moment time had stopped for me. In a way my mind seems forever trapped in that moment. The day that time would be forever changed for me. I remember every little thing. Every thing about that day. And in a way it haunts me. In a way I know it’s a precious gift also to hold dear.

I remember the time leading up to that day. Every scan, every sound of her heartbeat beating safety and soundly. That strong little heartbeat that assured me everything would be ok. That she was Ok in that moment in time. I remeber the smile we caught on the ultrasound, oh what a gift to see her smile! unknowingly it would be such a blessing, such a moment in time to hold onto, for I would never see my daughter smile again.image

I remember all the tears and fears as we didn’t know what to expect when she was born. There was such a sense of wanting to protect her and keep her safe. But I felt this huge overwhelming amount of love for my little Everlee already, A ever growing bond that assured my fears, making me think everything would be ok. That whatever the future held I had trust we would all be ok. That love would surely keep us together. And that love has, just not in the way I thought back then. I had no idea that huge amount of love I had for my little Everlee was going to have to span from earth to heaven and back. It WAS there to bond us together forever, but through worlds apart.

And now here we are almost two years after that day. And time keeps going. Ever turning and changing around me. Which is In part why I have tired to take a step back. I miss Everlee like crazy. My broken heart hurts, my weary soul can’t seem to not search for the missing almost two year old in our life that should be here. My mind still can’t fathom the fact  I will never see her again in this lifetime. She was so perfect, she was everything we ever wanted to complete our family and why I can’t have her I’ll never fully understand.  My heart still holds so much love that it physically hurts as it has no place to go. I wanted to give it all to her. I’m still lost without her, my empty arms still ache. My grief and heartache still feels very raw and untended too, feeling as if I’ll never heal from this loss. That the pain is and will be never ending.

As time goes on my other children keep growing, I signed my little Alice up for preschool this upcoming fall. That hit me harder than I ever thought. Alice has been my one to hold through it all, keep close, and shower with every hug and kiss Everlee should have gotten. My little earthly angel to get me up every day and release a hidden smile out of her momma. When I stopped to think about it, the one year of preschool she would have and then it would be off to kindergarten, I panicked. I didn’t understand how my baby was gone. I had already lost my little Everlee and just by time continuing I felt as if I was loosing another.

Grief has a way of making me feel isolated and absent from the current world. Standing still while time goes on. There are situations and functions I now decline and miss Because my fragile heart can not take. Relationships are lost or put on hold because the amount of energy it takes, or situations it puts me in. Small tasks become energy suckers, you begin to prioritize what is important to put your energy into. You become forgetful, absentminded and it’s all because time stopped that day. You replay every little thing on repeat whether you want to or not. That day and the moments leading up to it will affect so many areas in your life from that day forward.

There are times I retreat, to save myself from the storm of grief. Here in the Midwest we have tornados, they come in suddenly sometimes without much warning and the safest place to be is in a basement in your home. You normally have everything you need to wait out the storm feeling safe and sometimes forgetting what is going on above ground and outside. After the storm is passed you ascend the stairs to face reality, the debris and devastation that went on.

That is the best way I can explain to you how one retreats in grief. Finding a safe place in a way under the surface. Distracting yourself with be busy or loosing yourself in a book, tv show. Pushing every painful emotion, every frantic feeling, every darkening mood aside. But you can only stay there for so long disconnected from reality, pushing aside the questions your mind has, the fear, the heartache. But the pain of loss never goes away. It never will. Time goes on while you retreat. Alice grew up in there. And now I feel as though I’ve been absent the past two years tending to my broken heart. Adding more guilt onto my broken heart.

With the pain of infertitly waging heavy on my heart right now, I find dealing with my grief for Everlee evener harder. After all this time I’m more tired than ever. More broken than ever. Infertitly has  broken me more after already trying to come back from those depths of despair. It has added more pain and loss on something that was already earth shattering to my very existence. When Jeremy and I set out on this journey a year ago, I was excited and eager to welcome a rainbow baby into our family. It took a lot of emotional preparation and healing to get to that point because in the beginning I only wanted Everlee. But I did get to a good place I was out of my basement ready to find healing on a new journey. How I had no idea the continuing  pain that would follow.

Last month was the first month we actively had treatment for our infertitly finally. I promised myself I wouldn’t hope, I promised myself I wasn’t going to get excited for nothing. And I didn’t think I did but subconsciously I must have. Because here was another negative, after a million this past year, it sent me crumpling. Everything I had tried to bury inside came out, I was gasping for air, the flood of tears swallowing me. I was crushed, here we were again after painful procedures and still no postive results. but honestly my mind when right back to remembering and relating this with the crushing pain of that one day. I felt like I was reliving it all over again. I remembered every little thing all over, cradling Everlee for the first time, begging to hear her cries. Falling so utterly completely in love with her and realizing I would not be able to hold her forever even though I wanted to. I thought about how I held her and looked at her for hours, how I burned every little detail of her in my mind. She was perfect. So perfect. I felt the physical pain again of walking out of that hospital with out her. Of returning home without her. My empty arms.

No matter how much time passes and how much little I try to hope anymore every failed month through this infertitly journey brings me back. To my empty arms. Everything I’m missing with Everlee. Everything I’m not sure I’ll ever get again. everything I feel I have missed these pasts two years with Alice because I was just surviving through it all maybe retreating through some storms.

Time is a cruel enemy sometimes. I haven’t gotten a grasp on it yet still after that day. It hasn’t been healing. It hasn’t brought me closer to holding a rainbow baby in my arms. Time is the “irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.” Time will keep going. Yet I’m here I am feeling like I still stand still from that day.


This picture was a gift, I never thought I would receive. A “new” picture. Everlee’s grandma sent this to me a couple months ago. A picture I had never seen, a moment where I was on the bed watching grandma hold her ,my heart breaking as I watched Everlee would miss out on the amazing love I knew her Grandma had to give to her. I love her little hands curled up in this picture. I’ve kept this picture to myself lately wanting to take in every new detail. A new picture from that very day. Another precious  moment in time to hold onto.

I know one day I will finally feel as though I’m moving in time again. I know there will come a time I might not have to retreat anymore. But right now in this broken state I’m trying hard to just be present in the day I was given, especially with Alice for time goes by to quickly. Time is precious and something you’ll never get to go back to. Time is a gift I will never take for granted again. I’m forever thankful for the time I was given with Everlee. She has taught me so much about how precious time is. One day I hope to only carry the joy from that day, but right now the pain follows me and haunts me. I know it’s time to yet again start cleaning up the debris from the last storm, leaning my weary heart and soul on God to lead me and shelter me.

  • “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”
  •  Psalm 32:7

Healing my broken heart on Mother’s Day

I havent written in awhile and for that I’m sorry ….. I find when Grief catches up with me in a hard way, everyday life and tasks start to become exhausting and are all I can really handle. I never understood how hard it was just to live until Everlee took a piece of my heart to heaven with her. It seems there will forever be a push and pull effect between heaven and earth.

Mother’s Day ….. How that has become a confusing day for my heart. Last year was my first Mother’s Day without Everlee, I found myself in a whirlwind of hard emotions I didn’t seem to expect that day. I ran across a writing of mine I wrote after I waged through that day and the after effects a year ago …..

One year ago…


“Mother’s Day came and went and left me in a raging sea of grief I thought had past over me already. I’ve ended up in a raw state again. This picture says it all. The minute you feel as though you turn a corner enter smoother sailing and your taking ten steps back. Into the storm again.
They say having a baby unlocks a love in your heart you never knew was missing. Loosing a baby, your child, unlocks a pain your soul never imagined feeling. A eternal pain.
There is no road map for a journey of grief and I believe it is unending, never to cross the finish line. Not In this lifetime at least.
You can never plan for steps or what road blocks will be thrown at you. Mother’s Day clearly was a trigger for me. Again I’m at a point of despair. Trying to manage the stormy waters. My heart is pained. My arms ache for her. My mind isn’t shutting off.
Realizing I have past reminders everywhere of a happier time when Everlee was safe and growing and the dreams were endless of what’s to come. The present state of just trying to be ok with out her. Trying to figure out the future, the future you were supposed to have, but don’t and knowing this is permanent and planning for her absence. The missing piece of you. How do you complete this puzzle missing a piece.?
I don’t have the answer today. There will always be a missing piece. She was suppose to be yours to have to hold to care for. So Maybe there is no answer to that but just the realization to continue day by day. There will be happy days and there will be sad days. And to be kind to yourself In letting it be a happy day and feeling joy. Or letting it be a sad day. A day you can no longer push those feelings off. A day your out flow of tears feel as though a they are a welcome kindness and lifting some weight off your breaking heart.
I have suffered the un thinkable the day I had to continue without my child.
It’s natural to have times where the full weight of loosing Everlee will come crashing down on me. Its those days I need to be gentle on my soul and allow it whatever it needs.
Sometimes to heal a wound there will be times you need to uncover it clean it out really good before the proper healing will occur. It will hurt. It will be painful. It won’t be fun. But it is nesscessary. And there will always be a scar afterwards. A scar that is forever a part of that wound.
Be kind to your soul. Feed it and nourish it.
One step at a time.”

And Today ….

Today I find those words still resonating Truth for me today. This Mother’s Day my heart STILL pained for her, my arms STILL ached for her, my mind NEVER shut off as I thought of what it would be like to have Everlee here with us today. I was plagued with thoughts about our desire to have another and how we struggle with why it just won’t happen again and the incompletion of that struggle coming into our life after we lost Everlee.

I broke again, the waves of grief and waves of emotions of our struggles fully caught up with me. Again I felt as if I was a boiling teapot. I could feel myself piling on emotions and feelings but not letting them out or allowing myself to feel them. I boiled over. It was the Friday before Mother’s Day. Everything I was stuffing silently down inside came out. I sat in front of my husband and shook and cried, there were no words in that moment to even be said just my body doubling over in pain and tears and sobs that were to strong to choke in anymore.

I haven’t cried like that in quite sometime maybe since when we first came home from the hospital in those early months. My steadfast and gracious husband , for he has learned all to well now. For he didn’t try to speak or ask me what’s wrong for he knew this was not a time for words and he just held me. He held me till I was calm enough to make  into bed. And even then he didn’t leave me. And when sleep didn’t seem to find me he went and grabbed Everlee’s bear for me to hold. I simply don’t know what I would do without that man.

I think we both knew from there that this Mother’s Day was going to be just as hard as last years. That a year’s time didn’t change anything. I’m slowly realizing and accepting no matter how much time has passed any holiday seems to highlight the hole in my heart and make Everlees absense that much more felt. Time simply doesn’t heal a broken heart. Instead im learning not to rely on time to heal me but make my heartache a part of me by the way I chose to live each day after.

– “God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing”.        Joel 2:25 –

And I do believe God was able to help me restore that day ….. This Mother’s Day I was surrounded by my family and sweet surprises. There were lots of heartfelt wishes from friends that knew I was hurting still. I simply felt blessed with the gift of peace that day. I felt so much peace washing over my heart for that one day. It WAS a good day 🌻 We took Everlee with us the best way we knew how. Everlee’s bear spent the day with us giving my heart comfort that she was represented in a physical way.


The day started out with coffee and breakfast in bed with Evey. The sun was shining through the window you could hear the birds singing songs of celebration. Alice carried me in breakfast that her and Daddy made. Giggling and smiling the whole time.


I was showered with gifts that I didn’t expect, three flowers one from each one of my girls and a special ring from Evey, Jeremy was sure Everlee lead him to this special gift this year. The ring looked like it has angel wings wrapping around your finger. I actually had my eye on a similar one a few weeks ago. That’s how we know it really was Everlee. My family truly knows how to make me feel loved and always including Everlee in our gift giving. I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Alice made sure she signed her’s and Everlees name along with Emma’s and Jaydas.

We spent the day at the zoo and the zoos conservatory and japenease gardens. It’s one of my favorite places to visit on a sunny day. We brought Evey bear with us. What comfort this bear has given us all helping the hole of her physical absense. Evey bear got to chill with the gorillas, climb on a giraffe with Alice, laugh at the monkeys with us, take a picture on Toby the turtle. That way I get all my girls in one picture( minus Jayda who was not able to come). Evey bear got to see all the beautiful flowers that enjoy to look at and smell, watch the coy fish in the pond with Alice, enjoy the peace of the Japanese gardens and get a ride on Dad’s shoulders back to the car when our day was done.

I have realized how silly we might have looked, carrying this bear around all day and stopping to take pictures of her as if she were a person. But I’m at the point where I could care less, I think if they only knew who this bear represented. Who are family was missing that day and why we chose to bring that bear along, and how bad our hearts hurt. There would simply be no question as to why.

There was one lady I caught staring at Evey bear quite intensively as I waited for for my family to return with drinks at a table. She caught my eye and gave me an empathetic smile. I had to gather she must have known someone who shared a similar story and had a similar bear to ours.

It made my heart full of Joy to hear Everlees name spoken all day as we each took turns carrying Everlees bear around. Alice enjoyed giving her lots of hugs and kisses that day. We stopped to take a picture of Alice and Evey bear by the pond in the gardens. She held her close and was pointing out certain things to Evey bear gushing as strangers told her how cute she was.  That moment my heart was still, for in that moment my mind could picture perfectly my two little girls sitting on the rock together, Alice holding Everlee just as a good big sister should. I knew right there this was my healing moment I needed and why I was so thankful I listened to my heart and brought her bear with us. That was the moment my soul needed. Healing comes in all ways and this Mother’s Day it came through A bear, Everlees bear, that represents that beautiful little girl that my heart misses so much.


I was thinking of so many this Mother’s Day, ones that miss their babies just like I miss Everlee. Ones that miss their own moms that aren’t here. Ones that wish they were a mother and are facing times of struggle with infertility. The ones who didn’t get recognized because their children are all in heaven. The ones who feel their hearts pulled as they have children here and in heaven. The ones who deserve to be recognized that sometimes don’t adoptative mothers, step mothers, guardians that give their all. All superheroes, all mothers.

I hope you all had a full day, felt loved and maganged your broken heart however you needed. I hope your day was gentle as was mine. I Leave you with this, recognize the hurt. It will be the greatest gift you can give the hurting. I was overwhelmed with how many took a moment out of their day to say some heart felt words to me or remember I was missing Everlee on that day. For anyone who has a child in heaven like I do, say their names out load on these important days.  let thier mommas know their child is still carried here on earth through remembrance. Let them hear thier names.

Listen to your heart, listen to your soul. For your heart and soul normally knows what it needs to heal. The challenge is to silence your mind and fears. The challenge is in faith and trust that He will carry us through.

May we all heal our broken hearts ….. 🌻


My Leap of Faith

A Leap of Faith by definition is ….. an act of believing in or attempting something whose existence or outcome cannot be proved.

A leap of Faith is not having it all figured out yet still moving forward. A leap of faith is suddenly knowing it’s time to start something new and TRUSTING in the magic of new beginnings.  A leap of faith is changing your thinking when you realize life will change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are in your comfort zone. A leap of Faith is making choices to reflect your HOPES, and not your fears. Sometimes what your most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

So I Leapt today ….. trusting the net to appear.

Before I continue, I want to touch on the symbolization of Rainbows to the loss community and explain the term Rainbow baby for anyone who is not familiar…..


I have personally always loved the term since I have heard of it. Loosing Everlee has created a huge storm of heartbreak, emotions, and struggles. Is Everlee the storm? Of course not! Its never the way I saw it. The storm was the mess of pain that entered my life and completely threw me off in every aspect and way.. And does a rainbow baby mean there will be no further struggle of course not. This baby is simply a sign of Hope and Light. A new Joy. A new little love to ease your aching arms. Easing an aching heart and reminding you good things still happen.

Jeremy and I are still waiting for our rainbow baby. The wait has been long and emotional. Hard is an understatement. We never imagined to be struggling from infertility. Its drained both of us in so many ways. These struggles seem to heighten our grief for Everlee even more. We wanted her, but here we are opening our hearts to another little one, that never seems to come.

Romans 12:12

” Let your hope make you glad. Be Patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.”

I haven’t stopped praying, nor will I, for another baby. Lately I have asked God in my prayers to take away my desire for a child if it’s just not meant to be. He hasn’t. I only feel that desire growing.  Therefore I know I will just have trust in Him. I believe He knows my heart and my desires for another child. I believe He gave me these desires, my heart was a broken mess after we lost Everlee and I never thought I could open my heart to want another child that was never going to be Everlee. But my heart was healed in that way. And I do so very want another baby. I believe in signs from heaven and I have learned God speaks to you in many amazing ways. To tell you the truth Jeremy and I were given this name, a perfect name we know we are meant to use. I have honestly always felt my girls have picked out their names before they were born and maybe that’s why I was always felt comfortable naming them before I saw them. I can say each one of my girls confirmed once they were here they were exactly who those names were meant for.  I just know and trust we will be able to use this new perfect name that has been placed on our heart. The When part is what I don’t know and waiting is hard and that’s where my leap of faith come in …….

There has been many rainbow babies being welcomed into the world lately. I have found myself shopping for each one lately searching for something a little extra special for each little miracle. Yesterday I found my heart strings being tugged a bit more. I’m so incredibly happy to see each one of these special babies born healthy and safely into this world. It brings me so much Joy to see my friends holding them watching their hearts smiling from the outside. But at the same time my heart continues to hurt, only wishing I can experience this too one day.


As I shopped for a special little girl I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with pings of pain wishing I could double the shopping experience and buy two instead of just one. I want so bad to be right there with my friends on this new journey. I can’t help but to feel left behind. Still stuck in the stillness of grief. My emotions got the best of me that night, there was no hiding the pain I silently carried anymore.  I told Jeremy how nice it was to hold that little baby in my arms and how I found myself picking a gift with a little special meaning behind it that I so wanted to be purchasing too. I’m so ready, yet it just doesn’t seem to be the right time. I have been trying to “wait well” for a baby, but last night my heart hurt knowing it really is exactly what I feel I need now and am missing after loosing Everlee. I got robbed from buying cute outfits and cute fuzzy animals for her to have. I feel the need to be able to do these things again, things like shop for a baby, something that continues to plagues my mind with anxiety every time I enter a store now.

You can see now how the pain of infertility ties into the pain of loosing Everlee. They both seem to plague me the same.

The name that has found it’s way to Jeremy and I’s heart for a future child, it’s very much a girl name. Both him and I feel strongly we were made to raise girls. Time will tell if our heart is right about this, I just can’t deny how we both feel we were given this name for a reason.

So I went back to the store today and took a giant leap of faith. I bought that same outfit with the rainbow on the back and that cute little fuzzy unicorn that played music. The lady checking me out was extra bubbly and starting chatting with me she then asked me is this for your baby or someone else’s? I looked at her and with out hesitation said Yes this is for my baby.


I saw this cute little quote once that I held onto.

Lesson’s from a Unicorn….. There’s magic inside you. Anything is possible. Dreams can come true. You don’t need wings to fly. It’s OK to be different. And always believe in yourself even if nobody else does.

Between the magic of unicorns and the promises of rainbows the two seem to go hand in hand. We decided to call the unicorn Faith and can’t wait to put Faith in a new nursery one day probably decorated with rainbows and unicorns. This was such a giant leap for me, and it wasn’t painful it felt amazing. This is how much faith I have that we will have our rainbow baby, it will be us someday, and I’m not giving up.

I can write this now and smile wondering why it took me so long to get here. I am the mom who painted Emma’s room pink before they told me she was a girl I just knew. And I was the crazy girl that bought her wedding dress six months into dating before Jeremy even proposed to me, because I knew that we were going to get married and I would need that dress! I have been known to do these things. And today I got back a little of myself that used to trust In my heart more.

There was a time I felt like I knew something was wrong with Everlee and ever since then I have hated being in touch with my intuition. It wasn’t a happy ending and I didn’t want to be right then.

But today I let go of those fears …..

Instead today I did something terrifying and amazing at the same time. I didn’t let my fears lead me and I let my choice reflect my hopes for the future Instead! I found something that I was so afraid of freeing. I felt freed today. I fully committed to my dreams and fully placed my trust in the Lords plans for my family. I leapt.

There is a rainbow waiting for me too.

How Everlee has changed me

I was going to title this how grief has changed me, but when I thought about it I realized it’s not grief alone that has changed me. Grief comes from missing someone, a longing. A product from your love for them. My love for Everlee. So more appropriately I thought, How Everlee has changed me. If I only knew where my life was headed the first time I heard her little beating heart.

I decided to check in with myself recently write a list of things I feel have been blessings or something I’m thankful for now after loosing Everlee. I find myself doing this, so I continue to see the growth. Grief can feel never ending because it really will be, but I find myself needing to find this type of light, so it will allow me a great reminder why I continue on. Why I remain compassionate to myself and my hearts needs and by not pressuring myself to heal faster than I can.

I believe there will always be something beautiful to emerge, some blessings and growth from any situation. You just need to find it. And hang onto it.

“You were made to grow, and growth only happens in the places that you stay fragile and Brave enough to Break. Then you will break Free.”

This has been my quote to remeber lately. Growth happens in fragile places. Places were I break. Only then will I be able to break free. This is why I continue to share my broken heart and spirit. Vulnerability brings braveness. And in braveness you will find freedom.

And all this growth, braveness and new free nature …. It All brings me back to Everlee. My littlest love. My sweet little girl. My angel in my dreams. My sunshine in the dark. It’s amazing how much love resides within me for her. It’s amazes me how such a little girl with such a short life has impacted hearts and changed those closest to her.


So how has Everlee changed me …..

– I feel as though my eyes have opened to greater beauty around me. As I gaze upon the ocean I focus on the line where the sea reaches the sky. So vast and great is our world. Beauty in the delicate nature of a flower how each petal forms into a little masterpiece. Beauty in the sky how I feel as though it’s a glimpse into the heavens as you watch the sun rise and set through out the day. Beauty is all around us, it is ready to be found in the eye of the beholder.

-Everlee has taught me how to express love in many differant ways. For she is not even here and I still feel I can find ways to love her from here to heaven. I find myself expressing my love now through writing, words that still need to be said and written even though she’s not here. I find love reaching through song. There are a lot of songs that allow me to feel connection to her. I send love through her garden and each flower or angel or special rock I add in there.                          Not only has she expanded me to find ways to send love to heaven, but my openness had allowed me to love those around me better, more expressly and more fully.

– Everlee has given me a heart for others pain. I feel like I can better serve and help now that I have felt such pain. I have the desire to reach out and comfort whenever possible. My heart is simply bigger now. Everlee has left such a hole but also has found a way to grow her mommas heart too.

-Pain and Grief has opened me up to the feelings of Joy. Joy is more recognizable now. Joy is always welcomed never stopped. I’m forever thankful for Joy like I’ve never been before. Even simple joy is treasured.

-The amount of carnage grief has left my body in my idea of healthy is forever differant. For healthy is a mind, body and soul combination. Each important and worthy of the care. Healthy goals will forever be different now for it might be a book for my mind or a walk with prayer for my soul. As well as the physical aspect as healthy. I’ll never take for granted the strength it takes to keep yourself healthy as a whole.

– Everlee has opened up my heart to a deeper connection with our Heavenly Father. For I wanted to know the One that keeps her safe. I have had many talks with loss moms and it never surprises me to see such deep faith brimming from them. He is close to the broken-hearted. I have never felt his presence nearer. Or understood how he speaks to you. How you can have a personal relationship with him. I’m thankful for the signs and gifts from heaven. I’m thankful for the reassurance and guidance.

– Everlee has brought her mom and Dad together in a way I would have never imagined. Our love for one another runs so deep. I fully understand how to love someone fully, you should need them and let them need you. I gladly grab his hand knowing together we can get through whatever. The silly things that used to plague our relationship are no more. We enjoy eachother and realize what we have now is a gift.

-Everlee has placed many other loss mommas on my heart. I have found amazing and instant connections with complete strangers and know that we only have our angels to thank for our paths crossing. To know our angels are together is great comfort. Sharing your grieving hearts. Knowing that this person will always know your pain. For their pain is yours. You grow and wage through the unknown together. These mommas will love your little angel as their own. Another great gift and blessing.

-My new found love for sunflowers my gift from Everlee the day she went to heaven. How pure and simple this one flower is and can brighten my day. It Reminds me of my daughters beauty and how She lives on in this world still. Also reminding me to stand tall and face the sun and light and enjoy the warmth it sends.

-Everlee has opened my heart to a lot but I know the journey from here on out will only be more fulfilling more meaningful and more joyful because she came in my life. And because I was chosen to be her momma. I have a new understanding, new faith, and new goals to guide me. A lot of love to give and a lot of beauty to see and find. My brokenness will set me free.